Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

The missus just gave birth. She went through 9 months of pregnancy, 10 hours in excruciating painful labour, fanny stretched beyond the recognition of any sane man. Blood and afterbirth everywhere.
All I did was have an orgasm 9 months previous. Indeed the happiest day of my life.

[vetran]

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus

[vetran]

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during my the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began "My daddy fell in a well last week."
Good grief! the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

[vetran]

My son got his 50 meter swimming badge the other day.

I don't know how the postman got it through the letterbox.

[northernladuk]

My wife turned up at a fancy dress party pissed as a fart and drove into a tree,

"It's ok, " she said. "I've come as Katie Price.

Went to a friends fancy dress party in just my boxer shorts. When he opened the door he looked at me and asked 'What are you supposed to be?' 'A premature ejaculation' I answered. 'How is that outfit supposed to be a premature ejaculation?' He asked. I looked at him and says 'Well I've just come in my pants'

[northernladuk]

Went to a friends fancy dress party in just my boxer shorts. When he opened the door he looked at me and asked 'What are you supposed to be?' 'A premature ejaculation' I answered. 'How is that outfit supposed to be a premature ejaculation?' He asked. I looked at him and says 'Well I've just come in my pants'

Year after he had another where the theme was 'emotions'. Loads of people dressing up like the 7 dwarves, or in grey or with smileys all over themselves. I knock on the door, he opens and I'm there butt nekkid with my knob in a bowl of vanilla sauce. 'OMG not again, what are you supposed to be this time'. I said 'Im f**king dis custard'.

[vetran]

Just tried a 68....

Same as a 69 but with a chubby bird.

[vetran]

What do you call a Chav on fire?

Sauteed.

[vetran]

Got myself a Simba mattress.

I'm now the lying king.

[vetran]

My friend asked to borrow some money after losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst,

of course I couldn't let him down,

Not after all the tulip he's been through...