Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Nick is a smooth talker

I knocked at my date's door today and her father answered.
He said, "My daughter tells me that you're taking her for a meal and then the cinema."
"Yes, I'm taking her to the Chinese down the road," I replied.
"And what are you hoping to see afterwards?" he asked.

I said, "Her tits."

[vetran]

What do you call a Dutchman with a First Class degree?

A clever clogs

[vetran]

Piers Morgan is the kind of guy you’d want to grab a beer with after receiving a terminal diagnosis—



so you’d feel better about dying...

[vetran]

Trump:

- Evacuate civilians
- Dispose of all the weapons
- Bring back the army

Biden:

Let's do all of that in reverse.

[vetran]

Today i got a memo from the HR for sexual harassment..

All that happened was a female co-worker came wearing a t-shirt with the caption "GUESS"

So i said " might be 32C " ..

[WTFH]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "you've got to make love to me this very moment"
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what was that about"
She explained "The egg timer's broken"

[vetran]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "you've got to make love to me this very moment"
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what was that about"
She explained "The egg timer's broken"

oh she likes very soft boiled eggs then?

[NotAllThere]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "you've got to make love to me this very moment"
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what was that about"
She explained "The egg timer's broken"

Risking salmonella there, isn't she?

[vetran]

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Opportunist: Drinks both glasses while the other two are arguing about it.

[vetran]

As a teacher, the best thing about doing online lessons is you don't have to worry about the students smelling alcohol on your breath.