• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    My Irish girlfriend has just received an invoice from her Doctor.
    He gave her a Coleen bill of health.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      posh

      Next to me in the pub there was a Londoner. He had a strong cockney accent.


      This guy's date went to the toilet and he pulled out a crossword book.


      I was helping him with a crossword.


      "Six letters, contributes to a result..." he said. "I want to get this one before my bird comes back."


      I said, "Factor?"


      He said, "Nah, not yet bud. She's waiting till the third date."
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        I was in the pharmacy waiting for my prescription when this pretty assistant started flirting with me ..
        So as I waited i couldn't help but ask , do you take it up the arse or do you swallow .. That was when she called the police .. You know to this day I still don't know what I supposed to do with my suppositories.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          for NLyUK

          Girl I picked up last night was brushing her teeth this morning: "it really hurts when I brush".
          Me: "when did you last see a dentist"
          Her: "I cant remember most the guys I've f*cked names never mind their occupation"
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            Netflix ad: "this is the best £5.99 you will spend this month"


            No, spent £5.99 on a litre bottle of Prosecco for the MILF next door, last night. it beat Netflix!
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              Happy Birthday

              This week we celebrate a special birthday...


              Monica Lewinsky turns 54.


              Can you believe it?


              It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth...


              They grow up so fast, don't they?
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                A Brand New Small Car For Women



                Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.


                It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
                Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.


                Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.


                Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.


                New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.


                Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  1996 pfizer invents drug to create stiffs.
                  2020 pfizer invents drug to prevent stiffs.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    Doctors in the US have said that Rudy Guliani's white blood cell count is low.

                    Rudy has demanded a recount.
                    {emotionless greeting}

                    Three Word Slogan

                    Comment


                      An Alien walks into a bar.


                      The landlord asks "Pint of bitter?"


                      "No thanks," says the Alien "I'm into Stella."
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X