Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I am very disappointed with my grandfather. He voted for Biden.



When he was alive, he was a staunch Republican

[vetran]

A Russian agent, a white supremacist, a billionaire, a con-man and a depraved sexual deviant walk into a bar.
The barman asks, "What'll it be Mr ‘soon-to-be-ex’ President?"

[vetran]

Nursery rhymes for our times.

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
But a search revealed they were in the next field
With a dirty big Welshman behind them.

[vetran]

Lady jokes

Joyful jokes that prove Parky wrong about women's humour | Daily Mail Online


‘My wife is always saying to me that we should be more spontaneous. I say: “Fine! When?” ’


Susan Calman


‘Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.’


Jenny Eclair


‘The Brownies are very woke these days. They have a “Smashing The Patriarchy” badge. If you win it, your dad has to sew it onto your uniform.’


Lucy Porter


‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’




Mae West


‘My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.’


Jo Brand


‘I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.’


Wanda Sykes


‘Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.’


Athena Kugblenu


‘I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.’




Victoria Wood


‘When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, ‘Oh, two or three.’ And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work out.’


Josie Long


‘My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.’


Ellen DeGeneres


‘My Dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask. And he’s right — because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m parched.’


Sarah Millican


‘My husband’s penis is like a semi-colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.’


Mary Bourke


‘The traffic-light warning system on supermarket foods means nothing to me — I’m a cyclist.’


Juliet Meyers one for WTFH


‘Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning “Sunday”, and keya, meaning “f*****g ruined”.’


The Scummy Mummies


‘I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it.’


Adele Cliff


‘A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.’


Angela Barnes


‘My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.’


Ellie Taylor


‘My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.’




Miranda Hart


‘I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.’


Hayley Ellis


‘Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.’


Tiff Stevenson


‘Interesting fact: T-shirt is short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt. Because of the short arms.’


Alice Fraser


‘I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: “It’s not rocket salad.” ’


Lou Sanders


‘When I was 16, I like to think I was quite responsible. When I was 16 I was at home each and every night looking after my two kids.’


Ava Vidal


‘What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.’


Aisling Bea


‘They say one glass of wine in the evening is good for your health, but how many should I be having in the morning?’


Steff Todd


‘I have the woman-flu. Which is like the man-flu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.’


Sofie Hagen


‘You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.’


Sara Pascoe


‘Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.’


Bridget Christie


‘An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is.’


Agatha Christie


‘All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom; for three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.’


Joan Rivers


‘They say some people “inhale books”. I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.’


Izzy Mant


‘I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself “anti-feminism”, would you? You’d call yourself “Uncle Feminism”.’


Jenny Collier


‘Housework won’t kill you. But then again, why take the chance?’


Phyllis Diller

[vetran]

Dual passport holders in Northern Ireland are technically in the E.U and out of the E.U at the same time.


Schrödingers Catholics

[WTFH]

Pfizer say the vaccine needs to be stored somewhere really cold.

I've suggested your wife's heart.

[vetran]

I tried the new Biden Beer that's just been brought out by an American brewery. It's strong stuff.


2 cans and I mistook my sister for my wife.

[vetran]

"This is a bank robbery...why do you have a rich, sweet dessert pastry made of layers of filo filled with chopped nuts and sweetened and held together with syrup, frosting or honey on your face?"


"The boss said to make sure I was wearing a baklava."

[NotAllThere]

That song "Tea for Two". I'm sure it's a Euphermeism for something...

Flying cars? They^ll never take off.

[vetran]

Hired a handy man to do all the repairs around the house, But he’s only done jobs 1,3,5 on the list turns out he’s just an odd job man.