Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I was watching this young girl on Instagram with 1000s of followers, showing how to avoid getting a virus.


Must have been an influenzer.

[vetran]

Last night at the bar a girl got her nipple pierced right in front of me.



I suck at darts.

[LondonManc]

I had a vindaloo last night and now my arse stings.
I couldn't afford to pay the bill so the chef f**ked me.

[vetran]

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.



Then it dawned on me … they were cramming for their finals.

[vetran]

my future?

A retired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was”in real good shape for a man of 93.”
“That’s good to know because I’m getting married in two weeks,” said the retiree.
“Getting married! That’s wonderful! Who’s the lucky bride?” asked the doctor. The retiree replied, “She’s a 27-year-old bar maid I met at the local pub.”
“Only 27!” The doctor paused before he advised, “Then you will need some Viagra.” The man replied, “No way, I never take drugs of any type. It’s against my principles.”
The doctor took some more time before he responded with: “You are in good shape, but nevertheless you are 93. May I suggest that you and your wife take in a boarder?”
“Why a boarder?” asked the retiree.
“Well, you know, at your age,” winked the doctor, “you may not be able to do all the things a young woman would like a husband to do around the house. A boarder will be able to help.”
The retiree shrugged and said, “I guess you are right,” as he walked out of the office. A year later, the retiree, now 94, came back to the doctor for another checkup.
“How’s married life?” asked the doctor. “Amazing, it couldn’t be better. I should have remarried years ago.”
“How’s your wife?” asked the doctor.
“She’s doing fine,” announced the retiree, “and she’s pregnant.”
“Pregnant!” exclaimed the doctor. “I take it that you took in a boarder who has fit in quite well?”
“‘Yes, and she’s pregnant too,” grinned the retiree.

[vetran]

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.
One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

[vetran]

I love Chuck Norris facts!

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris Facts (Jokes)
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.


Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.


Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.


Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.


Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris….the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.


Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.


There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.


Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.


Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

[LondonManc]

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and it killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

[vetran]

Explaining Words

Poli.....Latin for many
Tics....blood sucking insects

Politics

[vetran]

I had to take my wife back to her follow-up appointment with her GP that signed the hypocritical "open letter" from the experts that stated that the BLM protests should be allowed as "these don't spread the corona virus."


"I think I understand the new science," I said, "The virus doesn't spread outdoors, like in protests, but it does spread indoors, like working people drinking at pubs and such, or at a Trump rally."


"Correct."


"Then I should be allowed to go to the beach ?"


"No," he laughed.