Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

[vetran]

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

Yo momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.

Yo momma's so dumb, when y'all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said "Disneyland left," so she went home.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Yo mamma is so fat she doesn't need the internet, because she's already world wide.

Yo Momma's so fat when I told her to touch her toes she said, "What are those"?

Yo momma is so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!

[northernladuk]

So I'm walking through London zoo and I see an escaped gorilla in a tree. I called a gorilla-capture service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the me. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his bollocks, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."
"Got it", I replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said, "shoot that f**king Chihuahua."

[WTFH]

Boy Scouts: Earn your camping badge by charging a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 under some twigs.

[WTFH]

Just been reading a report that says the popularity of origami has increased 7 fold.

[WTFH]

BrilloPad was telling me the other day that he "Should have gone to Specsavers".
I asked him why. Turns out he met his last wife in Vision Express.

[WTFH]

Baristas - get a pay rise by changing your job title to "Java developer"

[WTFH]

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

[WTFH]

Kitchen tip: If you've overcooked a risotto, put your phone in it overnight.

[SimonMac]

CUK is the cream of IT Contracting

Thick and Unhealthy