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    I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
    I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
    So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
    I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
    So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
    I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
    Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
    And he said, "Who der?"
    'CUK forum personality of 2011 - Winner - Yes really!!!!

    Comment


      Little Johnny was arrested, the police cautioned him, "You do not have to say anything, but anything you say will be held against you."

      Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        Whoever took my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle needs to grow up.
        The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

        Comment


          Farmers boy phones farmer from the far side of the farm and tells him that he has had an accident with the tractor.
          What happened said farmer.
          I hit a pig and it is trapped in the grille sqealing in agony.
          OK says farmer there is a shotgun in the tractor shoot the pig.
          Call finishes.

          Five minutes later, phone rings again.

          Farmers boy tells farmer that he has shot the pig and has disposed of the carcass in nearby woodland.

          He asks what to do with the BMW motorcycle.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
            he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
            standing on the kerb.

            "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
            seat so we can leave?"

            "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
            at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

            "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
            something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
            to work that morning.

            "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
            Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
            the wheel.
            The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
            the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
            "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
            Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
            "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

            The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but
            the Cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
            the radio.

            "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets
            on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
            hundred and five.
            "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's
            really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more
            reason!"

            "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

            The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

            Cop: "Bigger."

            Chief: "Governor?"

            Cop: "Bigger."

            "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

            Cop: "I think it's God!"

            Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

            Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              For our grammar Nazis

              Rules For Clear Writing
              · Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

              · Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

              · And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

              · It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

              · Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

              · Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

              · Be more or less specific.

              · Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

              · Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

              · No sentence fragments.

              · Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

              · Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

              · Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

              · One should never generalize.

              · Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

              · Don't use no double negatives.

              · Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

              · One-word sentences? Eliminate.

              · Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

              · The passive voice is to be ignored.

              · Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

              · Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

              · Do not use multiple exclamation points NOR all caps for emphasis!!!

              · Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

              · Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

              · Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

              · Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

              · If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

              · Puns are for children, not groan readers.

              · Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

              · Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

              · Who needs rhetorical questions?

              · Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

              · The passive voice should never be used.

              · Do not put statements in the negative form.

              · A writer must not shift your point of view.

              · Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

              · Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

              · If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

              · Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

              · Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

              · Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

              · Always pick on the correct idiom.

              · The adverb always follows the verb.

              · Be careful to use the rite homonym.

              · And last...

              · Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
                for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been
                such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
                is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

                Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
                out with God. I have a question for Him."

                St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
                Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said,
                "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to
                professional, you have some major design flaws in your design;

                1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
                2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
                3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.
                4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
                5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,and I don't
                even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.

                "Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee
                look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things
                and waited for the results.

                After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems
                to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
                invention than yours."
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  I bought an old Lada the other day but had to take it back to the dealership.

                  The salesman wanted to know what was wrong with it.

                  I said that I could only get up to 75 going up Acorn Hill.

                  He was astounded saying that Acorn Hill was very steep and getting up to 75 was incredible. What did I want from a car?

                  I said that I live at number 91!!
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    One for Brillo

                    An Aussie ventriloquist visiting the outback walks into a small village and decides he'll have a little fun.

                    Aussie: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak with him?"

                    Farmer: "Don't be stupid, the dog doesn't talk"

                    Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

                    Dog: "Doin' all right."

                    The farmer is astonished.

                    Aussie: "Is this chap your owner?"

                    Dog: "Yep"

                    Aussie: "How does he treat you?"

                    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

                    The farmer's mouth falls open in utter disbelief.

                    Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

                    Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think."

                    Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

                    Horse: "Cool"

                    Now the farmer is absolutely dumbfounded.

                    Aussie: "Is this your owner?"

                    Horse: "Yep"

                    Aussie: "How does he treat you?"

                    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

                    The Farmer staggers back in amazement.

                    Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

                    Farmer: "The sheep's a liar!"
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      For Dim

                      The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!

                      Geography
                      Q: Name the four seasons.
                      A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

                      Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
                      A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

                      Q: How is dew formed?
                      A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

                      Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
                      A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

                      Sociology
                      Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
                      A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

                      Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
                      A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

                      Q: What are steroids?
                      A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

                      Biology
                      Q: What happens to your body as you age?
                      A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

                      Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
                      A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

                      Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
                      A: Premature death.

                      Q: What is artificial insemination?
                      A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

                      Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
                      A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

                      Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
                      A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

                      Q: What is the Fibula?
                      A: A small lie.

                      Q: What does "varicose" mean?
                      A: Nearby.

                      Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
                      A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

                      Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
                      A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

                      Q: What is a seizure?
                      A: A Roman emperor.

                      Q: What is a terminal illness?
                      A: When you are sick at the airport

                      Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
                      A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

                      English
                      Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
                      A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

                      Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
                      A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

                      Technology
                      Q: What is a turbine?
                      A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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