Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Chinese Proverbs

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...
Better to be pi**ed off than pi**ed on.

Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with
solution in hand.

Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Confucius say....
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting
on pants.

Confucius say...
Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not
feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say...
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up, than
Man with pants down.

Confucius say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say:
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Confucius say...
Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger

Confucius say...
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is F**king Nuts.

[BrilloPad]

A Queensland Radio Station, QFM, were running a competition
to find contestants who could come up with words that were not
found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words
in a sentence that would make logical sense, the prize being a
return trip for two to Bali for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many
callers, the following two standing out :

DJ: QFM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi me name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Gaan spelt G A A N

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to
Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would
make logical sense?

Caller: Gaan **** yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.
After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following
caller:

DJ: QFM, what's your name?



Caller: Hi me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee spelt S M E E

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to
Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would
make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Gaan **** yourself !

[BrilloPad]

Here are some facts about the 1500s:
>
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
> May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence

the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
> house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
> sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
> babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone
> in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath
> water..
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
> cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it
> rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and
> fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This
> posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
> could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
> sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
> beds came into existence.
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
> Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would
> get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
> floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added
> more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start
> slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence
> the saying a thresh hold.
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
> always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
> things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
> meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot
> to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
> had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme,
> Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine
> days old..
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
> When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
> It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They
> would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
> and chew the fat..
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
> content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
> poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
> next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
> the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
> upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
> along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
> They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
> family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
> would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
> places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
> bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins,

> 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
> inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
> would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
> coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
> have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
> listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was
> considered a ...dead ringer..
>
> And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[BrilloPad]

I went to the Zoo the other day, it only had one dog on display, it was a
tulipsu

[BrilloPad]

Many years ago, a young friend of mine passed out from Sandhurst and was
posted to an obscure regiment whose HQ was in the depths of darkest Wales.
As is conventional, he joined around tea-time on a Sunday afternoon.
It took him some time to find the camp, and then the Officers' Mess and
then the Colonel.
However, he was eventually ushered in to a gloomy room with a small and
dying fire. The Colonel was hunched over it nursing a Scotch, with a
steward hovering at his elbow.
The young officer, we'll call him Carruthers although that was not his real
name, introduced himself to the Colonel.
The Colonel waved him to a chair and said: "Have a Scotch, me boy."
"Oh no Sir, thank-you", said Carruthers, "perhaps just a cup of tea."
The steward departed and there was silence.
Suddenly, the Colonel said: "It's Sunday today and very quiet in the Mess
but tomorrow's Monday and things liven up a bit. We get some of the local
girls in after dinner and have a dance. I expect you'll like that."
"Oh no Sir", said Carruthers, "I'm not really that keen on dancing."
"Oh", said the Colonel looking disappointed, "well I'm sure Tuesdays will
be more your cup of tea. We have a cinema in the cellar here and the boys
in Hamburg send us over some really juicy films."
"Juicy Sir?", said Carruthers.
"You know", said the Colonel, his monocle falling out, "blue films - porn!"
"Oh my goodness me", said Carruthers, "I'm not sure I would enjoy that very
much."
"Ah well", said the Colonel, "I suppose it's not to everyone's taste but
Wednesdays are a great night, all the officers enjoy Wednesdays. The London
detachment send us down some tarts from Soho and they dance naked on the
tables and some of the officers disappear with them, hee, hee!"
"Good gracious Sir", said Carruthers, "I had no idea such things went on. I
might have to go out on Wednesdays."
The Colonel fixed Carruthers with a steely stare and said: "You're not
queer, are you?"
"Good Heavens, no Sir, nothing like that", said Carruthers.


"Ah well", said the Colonel, "you won't like Thursdays either."

[BrilloPad]

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

1. NAMES




If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Sara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Sara.



If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.



2. EATING OUT



When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.



When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



3. MONEY



A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he really needs.



A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.



4. BATHROOMS



A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott Hotel.



The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.



5. ARGUMENTS



A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



6. CATS



Women love cats.



Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.



7. FUTURE



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



8. SUCCESS



A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.



A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



9. MARRIAGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.



A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.



10. DRESSING UP



A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



11. NATURAL



Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



12. OFFSPRING



Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.



A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.



AND FINALLY...



A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.



An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.



As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"



"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

[BrilloPad]

PROOF THE WORLD IS NUTS


1) In Lebanon Men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)


2) In Bahrain, A male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

3) Muslims Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

4) Indonesia
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

5) Guam
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
Deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
( Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)

6) Hong Kong
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

7) Liverpool
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

8) Columbia
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9) Bolivia In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)





10) Maryland
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . .. not as great as Guam!)

11) Scotland
In Scotland is illegal to take a goldfish upstairs on a double decker bus.
(Why???)

12) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

13) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex f or pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

14) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of . ?)

15) Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

16) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

17) Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)


And, the best for last


18) Turtles can breathe through their bums.
(I know some people who can talk through their bums)

[BrilloPad]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.


I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So
you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole
behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and
returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse
where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales
lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in
sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

[BrilloPad]

1.) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.




2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.




3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party, except you.




4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.




5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.




6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.




7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.




8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.




9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.




10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.




11) Jewish dilemma:

Free PORK.




12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

"Are you in?"




13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

"Honey, I'm home!"

[BrilloPad]

http://www.microsoft.com/uk/atwork/w...disasters.mspx
he ten worst presentation moments
Published: 21 July 2006

No matter how bad you think your presentation has been, take some comfort from the fact that at least it wasn’t as bad as these stories…
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I was due to present to the Belgian management team of an international IT company. Not wishing to be the typical Brit presenting in English, I carefully prepared and turned up with a French presentation and proceeded to present 45 minutes in French. (I meant it as a surprise so hadn’t warned anyone.)

We broke halfway through my presentation for coffee and the country manager asked me if I would switch to English. “Is my French that bad?” I said. “No," he replied, "it’s just that we are all from the Dutch speaking part of Belgium and we are not clear whether you are trying hard or just insulting us.”

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Presenter: "Can you hear me OK at the back?"
Anonymous Aussie voice from the back: "Yep, but I'll gladly swap with someone who can't."

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I once had to run out of a meeting room, across the corridor and into the men’s loo to shut off my co-presenter’s radio microphone as he was, err…, availing himself of the facilities there. Those radio mic’s have a surprisingly long range…

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In the late 1990s I was asked to give a presentation to a group of people from a Government Agency. I didn’t want to carry all of my presentation equipment, so I asked for a projector and PowerPoint to be provided.

I then turned up ready to give the presentation with my presentation on a floppy disk. In the meeting room was a 35mm slide projector. The meeting organiser pointed to the corner and said in a somewhat insulted tone,“There is the power point; we do have electricity here – we are not that backward.”

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I once attended a customer presentation with 200 people in audience where the presenter forgot to switch off their wireless connection and Instant Messaging (IM). Half way through the presentation, the IM notification window popped up… “Wet Patch has just signed in.”

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Language translation is handled differently at international conferences. I attended one in Paris where a French speaker would stand next to the English speaker, wait for them to pause, and translate what the speaker had just said; the speaker would then continue.

A friend of mine was giving a presentation and he got a little carried away with his desire to communicate. He couldn’t speak French but desperately wanted to empathise with the audience. His presentation started just as it would have done in the UK but as time went on and his need to empathise increased he started affecting a French accent. It was subtle at first and he was completely unaware of what he was doing but as the presentation progressed, the accent got stronger until by the end he sounded more and more like Inspector Clouseau or an extra in ‘Allo ‘Allo.

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A UK sales person travelled to Oslo to make a presentation to a large Norwegian bank. He was presenting from a lectern complete with a glass of water which he sipped to keep his throat clear. About a third of the way through the presentation the water ran out, so he walked over to get some more from a nearby table. Unfortunately the air in Oslo is very dry during the winter and this tends to cause a lot of static. As he walked back to carry on the presentation he put a finger on the keyboard and (I could hear the spark from the back of the room) blew the laptop to kingdom come.

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Some things are best left said only at home …

At home, my family had an ‘in-joke’ about the “Tea Fairy”. This was the invisible winged creature that seemed to always produce a cup of tea when my wife and son wanted one. That is to say, me, going unnoticed.

I was giving a corporate presentation in the US and had flown over from the UK that morning. During the break I was standing next to the drinks and food, and found myself in a group with the new Sales Director. I decided to play the host, and went to offer everyone a cup of tea, but what came out of my jet-lagged mouth was “Shall I be Tea-Fairy?”

In the horrible stunned silence that followed, my scrambled brain decided that the look on the director’s face wasn’t utter incomprehension and disbelief, but more of an “I’m sorry, can you explain what a Tea Fairy is?” So – with part of my brain screaming ‘STOP’ – I gave a little hop in the air and fluttered my eyes and arms (and eyebrows, I suspect) like I imagine any self-respecting tea-fairy would do.

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I went as the junior member of a team to do a new business presentation to a company in the City. Their offices were in a cobbled mews, and as I got out of the cab, the cobbles ripped the leather off the (high) heel of my shoe, and the torn leather was flapping as I walked. This didn't create a great impression, so when we got to reception, I asked the receptionist if she had any glue which might stick the leather back to the heel. She gave me some superglue, and a couple of minutes later, the job was done.

I was the last in the team to present, and whilst I was waiting, listening to my colleagues, I stretched my feet out in front of me under the table, with the recently-glued heel resting on the (white 2-inch shag-pile) carpet of their boardroom.

When it came to my turn to present, I tried to pull my feet back under me ready to stand up, only to find that one shoe was super-glued to the carpet.

All I could do was yank at it until it came away – along with rather a large clump of long carpet fibres. I had to shuffle around the room with my heel facing outwards at all times, lest anyone see that I had half of the boardroom carpet attached to the back of my foot. When it came to us leaving, I left backwards, as if leaving royalty. The deference obviously worked - we got the business.

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I was giving a corporate presentation in Chicago one year, having flown across from the UK to deliver a controversial project proposal to a new sales group. I’d just finished reading a presentation guide that suggested only using images – no text or charts – on slides and I decided to put it into practice.

Unfortunately, I was suffering from jet-lag, compounded by a lack of detailed notes, and I struggled to remember what the pictures were meant to symbolise. I spent a humiliating hour in front of twenty senior executives, saying things like, “err…. and that’s a picture of …. hmmm … a chair … which … err …..”