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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • vetran
    replied
    actually not funny

    With the media reporting on all the shortages in the country I'm surprised there's been no mention so far of common sense, forward planning and a competent government.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I've just tried the new recipe lower fat and reduced salt KFC. It's a lot like my jokes.

    Not funny, but utterly tasteless.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    "Five people were killed in a bow and arrow attack in Norway."

    "Feck. Was it a crossbow?"

    "Well, it wasn't a very happy one."

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Beyoncé has stared a support group for women suffering from Herpes Zoster.

    It's for all the Shingle ladies.

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    I went to a fancy dress party as a mushroom. I wanted people to think I was a fungi to be with.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    For Warty

    Not saying I’m unattractive, but last night my right hand told me it had a headache.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Have you ever considered that your whole purpose in life is to be a warning to others?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    The world tongue twister champion was killed in a horrific accident today, he was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I got on a bus near Bond St tube station.

    I said to the driver "do you stop at the Dorchester".


    He said "what, on my wages".

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    My friend asked to borrow some money after losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst,

    of course I couldn't let him down,

    Not after all the tulip he's been through...

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Got myself a Simba mattress.

    I'm now the lying king.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    What do you call a Chav on fire?

    Sauteed.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Just tried a 68....

    Same as a 69 but with a chubby bird.

    Leave a comment:


  • northernladuk
    replied
    Originally posted by northernladuk View Post

    Went to a friends fancy dress party in just my boxer shorts. When he opened the door he looked at me and asked 'What are you supposed to be?' 'A premature ejaculation' I answered. 'How is that outfit supposed to be a premature ejaculation?' He asked. I looked at him and says 'Well I've just come in my pants'
    Year after he had another where the theme was 'emotions'. Loads of people dressing up like the 7 dwarves, or in grey or with smileys all over themselves. I knock on the door, he opens and I'm there butt nekkid with my knob in a bowl of vanilla sauce. 'OMG not again, what are you supposed to be this time'. I said 'Im f**king dis custard'.

    Leave a comment:


  • northernladuk
    replied
    Originally posted by vetran View Post
    My wife turned up at a fancy dress party pissed as a fart and drove into a tree,

    "It's ok, " she said. "I've come as Katie Price.
    Went to a friends fancy dress party in just my boxer shorts. When he opened the door he looked at me and asked 'What are you supposed to be?' 'A premature ejaculation' I answered. 'How is that outfit supposed to be a premature ejaculation?' He asked. I looked at him and says 'Well I've just come in my pants'

    Leave a comment:

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