Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Having a candlelit dinner with the wife tonight.



The electric bill's just arrived.

[WTFH]

I found out my doctor’s only been prescribing me placebos but the joke’s on him as I’m not really ill.

[WTFH]

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.



Schwepped her off her feet.

[WTFH]

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared me so much that today I’ve decided never to read it again.

[WTFH]

Left some fruit and vegetables outside my house with an honesty box.

When I returned, there was a note inside the box telling me I’m far too old to be wearing skinny jeans.

[vetran]

A defendant gets found Not Guilty of stealing a car.

So he says to the judge: "Can I keep the car then?"

[vetran]

Amber Heard arrived at court yesterday three hours too soon.

The security guard said "your're early, tulip the bed?"

[vetran]

one for WTFH

I joined my local group of Onanists Anonymous, at the first session the facilitator asked "Has anyone accompanied you tonight?"

I said "No, I come alone!"

[vetran]

Me: Howard.

Her: How do you know His name's Howard?

Me: Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...

[vetran]

I just invented a new food called 'something'.

People are always saying you should eat something. I'm a genius.

[vetran]

Cryptosporidium - An illness that makes people tulip themselves when their Bitcoin has gone into free fall

[vetran]

Mrs V: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.


Vetran: I understand. And for the main course?

Well she didn't marry me for my looks, it must be my huge penis.

Yours on the other hand married you because you are a huge penis?

[vetran]

My boss told me that as a security guard it's my job to watch the office.

I'm not sure what it's it got to do with security, but I'm on season six.

[NotAllThere]

However the Russians have established air superiority by now.


Their Flying Tank Turrets are a hit.

[NotAllThere]

Putin explains to Chinese President Xi that he’s fighting a proxy war against NATO.
"How is it going" asks Xi
"So far, we’ve lost a flagship, 20,000 troops, 8 generals, 500 tanks and 100 planes”, says Putin
"What about NATO?” asks Xi.
"They haven’t turned up yet.