• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • FREE workshop: Preparing contractors for Autumn : Weds 29th Sep at 7.15pm. More details here.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    So I went to this zoo the other day

    Well, I say zoo. They only had one dog. That was it. One dog. It was a tulipzu.

    Guy walks into a bar, announces loudly "everybody on the left of the bar is a ****, everybody on the right is a bastard".
    Guy on the left indignantly splutters "Hey, I'm no bastard!".
    "Well get over the other side you ****".

    Guy goes to the psychiatrist, and says "I think I'm a dog".
    Psychiatrist says "that's interesting, please sit on the couch and tell me all about it"
    "I'm not allowed on the couch".......
    Why not?

    Comment


      There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
      fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
      and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

      A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

      The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he
      receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

      Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his
      wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY
      rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a
      note which reads.....

      "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple, you cu*t."
      "Wait, I still function!"

      Comment


        Two royal corgies, Towser & Rex, are sittng in the living room in Buckingham Palace, watching the broadcast of the Queen Mum's funeral. Rex is sniffling and having a bit of a cry.

        "What's up with you?" says Towser.

        "Well (sniff)... she was a lovely lady, and we'll all miss her (boo hoo)." sobs Rex.

        "Come off it! I'm glad she's gone!" sneers Towser.

        "Why do you say that?" asks Rex, tearfully.

        "Well, " says Towser, "at least now we won't get blamed for pissing on the sofa."

        Comment


          This couple die in a car crash, possibly in Wales. As they queue at the pearly gates St Peter says to the couple at the head of the queue
          'HELL'
          You spent your whole life thinking about the garden, never a thought about God. Even your wifes called Rose'

          A few couples get in, then St Peter says to the couple at the head of the queue
          'HELL'
          You spent your whole life thinking about money, never a thought about God. Money Money Money. Even your wifes called Penny'

          The guy from the crash turns to his wife - 'come on F@nny, I am not hanging around HERE to be insulted'




          (\__/)
          (>'.'<)
          ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work

          Comment


            A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

            Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

            "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
            You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

            The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

            The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

            Comment


              Whats the difference between a lorry load of sand and a lorry load of babies?

              You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.
              "Being nice costs nothing and sometimes gets you extra bacon" - Pondlife.

              Comment


                That sounds like a Gordon Brown joke.

                Comment


                  Originally posted by zeitghost
                  In a similar vein:


                  "What's the difference between a duck?"

                  "One of its legs is both the same".





                  Boooooom boooom.

                  No.

                  I don't know what it means either.

                  Great to hear that one again.

                  Ooh, BTW the museum called; they want their joke back.
                  The vegetarian option.

                  Comment


                    Whats brown and sticky?



























































                    A Stick.


                    IGMC.
                    "Being nice costs nothing and sometimes gets you extra bacon" - Pondlife.

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by zeitghost
                      In a similar vein:


                      "What's the difference between a duck?"

                      "One of its legs is both the same".
                      I think it comes from the second Grailquest book (a choose your own adventure a la The Warlock of Firetop Mountain).
                      Best Forum Advisor 2014
                      Work in the public sector? You can read my FAQ here
                      Click here to get 15% off your first year's IPSE membership

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X