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    The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
    Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
    He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
    So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
    "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to
    spend the rest of your life with?"
    He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.
    "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."


      On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
      station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the
      pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the
      golfing pro is.
      "Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.
      Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As
      he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
      "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
      "They're called tees" replies Tiger."Well, what on de good earth are dey
      for?" inquires the Irishman.
      "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
      "Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"


        A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
        telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
        The shrink thought for a moment and said. "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
        The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
        Breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"


          have you heard the new charts? Jonathan King's in at 14


            The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
            lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

            The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
            steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly towards her, his experienced
            gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

            He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her
            from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his
            foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

            He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking
            her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate,
            confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

            Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone
            unfulfilled for so long.

            And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and
            for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! -- it will
            never fit!"

            Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only
            for her.

            As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze,
            tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long
            before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want
            to do it again and again and again............


            ..... Don't you just love shopping for shoes?!?


              After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

              "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
              "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - another Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid the oral sex thing has reached epidemic proportions on Earth."

              "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

              "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgement Day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.

              "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those 88% who practice oral sex, we should reward those 12% who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of those good people."

              And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?

              Hmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh??


                League Of Superpowers
                If you have been finding the War on Terrorism a bit hard to
                follow, then this should make it a bit easier;

                USA: Man Utd - Utterly arrogant and motivated by greed. If they
                suffer the slightest injustice the whole world hears about it. Leader
                sees himself as bit of a visionary, most see him as bit of a tyrant.

                Al Qaeda: Leeds - Thugs who like to take out opponents behind
                the play. Capable of upsetting just about anyone. Leader is a
                paranoid nutter.

                UK: Aston Villa - Trying to move forward having been stuck in
                the past for decades. Have a leader who loves the sound of his own voice,
                full of rhetoric whilst ducking the important issues.

                France: Arsenal - Perennial bridesmaids. Have a huge armoury but
                heavily criticised in the past for misfiring. More likely to
                bore you to death than to be a real threat to anyone. Leader has a habit
                of turning a blind eye.

                Pakistan: Chelsea - Trying hard to be one of the big boys, but
                has upset a large percentage of its supporter base through its over
                involvement with foreigners. Could soon experience a revolt
                within its own ranks.

                The Taliban: Liverpool - Strict disciplinarians where members
                are measured as much by what they wear and do as who they are.
                Leadership suffered a bit of a shock recently but clinging to life and
                always hard to beat at home. Very much a bloke's team.

                India: Sunderland - A sleeping giant, not a contender at the
                moment but with a huge supporter base. Likes to think its opinion is
                worth plenty, yet is largely ignored by non-fans. Local derbies can be
                a bit fiery.

                The Northern Alliance: West Ham - An undisciplined rabble in
                need of sponsorship dollars.

                Israel: Tottenham - Rabid supporters tucked away everywhere and
                usually only become vocal when they start winning. See
                themselves as the chosen but in reality suffer from an over inflated sense
                of self. Local transport can be a bit dodgy.

                Palestine: Fulham - A team currently looking for a home, had
                been on the periphery for many years before the mid 90s. Not regarded as
                a big contender but has a strong youth policy. Funded by rich Arabs.

                Japan: Everton - No attack, last campaign of any note 1942. Big
                player financially in the 1980s, however struggling a bit these days.

                Iraq: Millwall - Serious hardarses who could be on the way back.
                Opponents prefer to see them out of the Premiership. Most of
                their neighbours hate them, they know it, and they don't care.

                Russia: Newcastle - Once a great superpower, recently in decay.
                Have chosen some real muppets as leaders.

                Uzbekistan: Leicester - Stuck in the middle. Has a bit of an
                ars*h*le but light on ammunition.

                Germany: Wolves - Tendency to self destruct. A strong history
                but off the scene of late. Unfortunate uniforms.

                Australia: Southampton - Completely harmless. Not a contender.
                Just in it to make up the numbers. Supporters are loyal but regularly

                Egypt: Derby - Had a crack at world dominance and though the remnants
                are still there they hark back to the glory days. A bit over defensive and
                vulnerable up the middle.

                Please note that no country can be associated with Middlesbrough. The
                closest thing was Lebanon but apparently certain parts of war torn
                Beirut are bordering on pleasant.


                  A young couple, just married, were on their honeymoon on their wedding
                  night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man
                  tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on". She put them
                  and the waist was twice the size of her body.
                  "I can't wear your Trousers," she said.
                  "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the
                  man and I wear the trousers in this family." With that she flipped him her
                  knickers and said, "Try these on."
                  "Hell", he replied, "I can't get into your knickers!"
                  "That's right", she retorted, "and that's the way its going to be until
                  you change your f***ing attitude".


                    Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
                    Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
                    Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
                    shows on a Japanese TV.

                    And the most British thing of all?

                    Suspicion of all things foreign!

                    Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

                    Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
                    back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
                    cigarettes at the front.

                    Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
                    DIET coke.

                    Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the

                    Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
                    and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

                    Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
                    have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
                    talk to in the first place.

                    Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating

                    NOT TO MENTION..

                    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

                    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

                    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of

                    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
                    fairy lights were plugged in.

                    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
                    decorations were chocolate.

                    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
                    cracker-pulling accidents.

                    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
                    cigarette in their mouth.

                    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
                    trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

                    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
                    Scalextric cars.

                    and finally...

                    In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
                    incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
                    Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.


                      LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

                      Law of Mechanical Repair:
                      After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
                      or you'll have to pee.

                      Law of the Workshop:
                      Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

                      Law of Probability:
                      The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
                      of your act.

                      Law of the Telephone:
                      If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

                      Law of the Alibi:
                      If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
                      tire, the
                      very next morning you will have a flat tire.

                      Variation Law:
                      If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
                      start to
                      move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

                      Law of the Bath:
                      When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

                      Law of Close Encounters:
                      The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are
                      someone you don't want to be seen with

                      Law of the Result:
                      When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

                      Law of Biomechanics:
                      The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

                      Law of the Theatre:
                      At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle

                      Law of Coffee:
                      As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
                      you to do
                      something which will last until the coffee is cold.

                      Murphy's Law of Lockers:
                      If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have

                      Law of Rugs/Carpets:
                      The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
                      covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the

                      Law of Location:
                      No matter where you go, there you are.

                      Law of Logical Argument:
                      Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

                      Brown's Law:
                      If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

                      Oliver's Law:
                      A closed mouth gathers no feet.

                      Wilson's Law:
                      As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
                      Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.