I was driving up the motorway...

[DaveB]

I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, "I want to buy an ice-cream" He said, "Hundreds & thousands?" I said, "We'll start with one." He said, "Knickerbocker Glory?" I said, "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."

[The Lone Gunman]

Doc it hurts here, here and here.

He said "you've broken your finger".

[realityhack]

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

[CptFantastic]

I hit my funny bone....and it's not funny.

[realityhack]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook. Night falls...

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a ******' rabbit!"

[Spacecadet]

I was in Wigan the other day trying to find a large DIY store, so i stopped the car to ask a local:
"Excuse me mate" I said, "is the a B&Q in Wigan?"
The guy looked at me for a second before saying:
"W...I...G...A...N.... nah mate, no B and Q in Wigan"

[Swiss Tony]

'A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.'

'The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.'

'The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.'

'The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.'

[Churchill]

Wife asked me this morning, "Does this skirt make my bum look big?"

"No" I replied "it's all those ******' cream cakes you keep eating!"

[CptFantastic]

An American businessman went to Japan for a week trip to garner some new business from potential investors.

While schmoozing with Japanese head-men, he partied during the nights, and eventually took a small, lithe Japanese girl back to his hotel room.

With dark, moody lighting on, he was banging away like the Texas cowboy and, all the way, she exclaimed, "Shinuya! Shinuya! Shinuya!" He was quite pleased with himself that she was exclaiming what seemed to be an expression of something good.

The next day, playing golf with a high-ranking Japanese executive, and the frail old man drove his golf-ball into the green.

At this point, the American businessman came up with a clever ploy and shouted "Shinuya!" and punched his fist in the air.

The older Japanese turned around with bemused faces and replied, "What, wrong hole?"

[wobbegong]

Two blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard."