I was driving up the motorway...

[realityhack]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's yours, go for it!"

Actually this is my fave so far:

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

[gingerjedi]

When we first got married I took off my trousers and threw them at the wife and said "try those on for size" she replied "don't be silly they won't fit me" so I said "that’s right and don't you forget it" with that she whipped off her knickers and tossed them across the room and said "try those on" I said "don't be daft I'll never get into them" she replied with "and you never will with that attitude".

[realityhack]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time." Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time"

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman "

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank "

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"



Cabbie: "I married his f****ng widow."

[scooterscot]

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

[shaunbhoy]

Man says to a woman "Will you sleep with me for £1000?"
She replies "Probably"
He then asks "Will you sleep with me for £5?"
She angrily responds "Of course not, what do you think I am?"
Man replies "We've already established WHAT you are, now we are just haggling over the price!!"

[scooterscot]

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

[shaunbhoy]

English Tourist lost whilst driving in Southern Ireland, stops an old boy wandering along the road and says "Do you know the way to Ballybunion?"
The old boy scratches his head then says " No, I'm afraid I don't"
Tourist says "Well then do you know the way to Clonakilty?"
Old boy looks quizzical then after a long pause says "Can't help you there either"
The increasingly exasperated tourist says "Well do you know the way to Kinsale?"
"Can't help you with that I'm afraid mister!"
The tourist goes red in the face and shouts back "You don't fooking know very much do you?"
The old boy calmly replies "I'm not fecking lost!!"

[scooterscot]

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

[Swiss Tony]

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said 'You are.'"

[freakydancer]

So the Mother in-law says "When you die, I'm going to dance on your grave"

"That's a fooking good thing" I says, "'cos I'm being buried at sea"