I sh1tted myself at work today

[MarillionFan]

Well least it was his own tulip.

In the last hour I've been sick on twice and now just sprayed in diarrhoea! And it's not mine!!!

So much for an early night.

[d000hg]

Now we've had this discussion before. Stop boasting about your charity work.

[Wilmslow]

I was on the M5 south, just after Birmingham, which was closed due to a serious accident involving the helicopter needing to land on the other side. A group of lads started playing 5-a-side on the empty northbound, a couple of student types started to strum and sing along to a guitar.

I really need to go after a few hours, so went to the grass verge by the hard shoulder.

Cue a coach of old folk singing 'We know what you are doing'........



Another not as embarrasing momemt was when the M62 was closed on ym way home for a few hours. I was on a motowray ramp, nowhere to head off to for a slash. Fairly quick thinking, I used the key to hack off the neck of the water bottle (as the bottle mouth is too much of an aim to chance in a car seat!), which gave me enough room to make myself comfortable. The problem being it was asmall bottle, took a few stop-starts and discretely opening the door and chucking out the yellow liquid. With the heat of the engines around, I was not a very popular person.......

[hyperD]

A very long time ago I came back from the City on the last train home after a massive Guinness session and was forced to use shanks' pony to get home. One part of the journey involved walking up a long steep hill and all the huffing and puffing must have switched doors to manual and there was no control once the Guinness had rendered all backup systems inoperative.

With great desperation I looked for some cover in the neighbourhood and found a low small brick wall with some small bushes behind which would render as some makeshift commode. I barely managed to get trousers and pants down in time and the business was done in a flash.

The following morning I walked back to work nursing a hangover from Hades, when I passed the house with the makeshift commode and found the neighbour there in the garden. Then with absolute horror, I realised last night's emergency hadn’t gone quite as well as I expected.

Instead of discreetly dropping behind the bushes, the glistening, breathing bowel reptile was basking boldly on the wall, stretched out in all its glorious Guinness livery. Without hesitating I smiled and waved at the neighbour and walked on by.

Later that month we met up with our neighbour, and even today he goes on angrily about airlifting the black dog mess that was not created by dog.

[darmstadt]

I hadn't had a tulip for a few weeks due to lying flat on my back and not having really eaten much either. The doctors decided that I really should evacuate my bowels and decided that an enema was in order. This involved a young nurse and a small tube of some substance. This was gently inserted in to my rear passage and whatever contents were in the tube were passed into my body. I was given the instructions to lie quietly and in about 15 minutes I should feel some movement and a bedpan would be placed under me to allow the effluence to dribble out. By the time the nurse got to the door, my guts were churning and I knew that I had to go there and then. With a scream, 'nurse, bedpan, now,' she rushed back and told me that it can't be working yet but one look at my face told her it was, pulled the covers off me (I had no lower clothing on as it was not possible to put any on me) and attempted to place a bedpan under me, which was not an easy task due to the amount on pins sticking out of me holding me in traction. Sadly this haste was to no avail as my bum exploded like a muck spreader and the poor young nurse got a little bit splattered leaving a silhouette on the wall. Naturally I was contrite but boy did I feel better.

[shaunbhoy]

Many moons ago, whilst working on rolling out the Analogue Cellnet Mobile Network, a sparky and I found ourselves working on a remote site in Suffolk. We had built the site from scratch, and one of our final tasks was to remove the multitude of cardboard boxes that the equipment had been delivered in, to the local tip. This site was located on a Water Company site, and we had been expressly forbidden from "doing our ablutions" on Water Board property. However, the nearest bogs were a few miles drive away, and having had a few beers and a curry the night before, the drive was not an option. Time was very much of the essence.
I patently came to the conclusion that the cabin itself was not "Water Board Property", and neither were the empty cardboard boxes. So if I therefore defecated into one of the boxes whilst within our cabin, I would not have contravened any rules. So I merrily did this, safe in the knowledge that within a day or two, said boxes (plus cargo) would be at the tip.
The downside came, however, when another commissioning team came to help us finish, and we could not locate a missing modem cable. My sparky grinningly suggested to the other sparky that it must still be within our pile of boxes, and told him to have a rummage through them to see what he could find.
He never did find that missing cable, but I'll say this for him.....he at least had a good look!! How we laughed!!

[suityou01]

I was in a pub once with some buddies when I got caught short. I nipped to the loo, got in the trap, keks down, bum on bowl just in the nick of time.

After the ensuing explosion I realised there was no paper. I did the bumclenchwaddle to the next trap, while praying no one came in. No paper either. So I waddled back to ground zero and sat back down.

I decided to google the pub on my phone and give them a call. I could hear their phone ringing from the bog. No bugger answered. Tried 3 times.

So I rang my mates. "Where are you, you've been ages?!"

I explained my plight and asked if they could get the landlady to pop a roll under the door.

She obliged, but on re-entering the bar, from the sea of sniggering faces including staff, regulars and my mates I knew the cat was out of the bag.

[d000hg]

HyperD's signature seems a whole lot more appropriate in this thread.

[Incognito]

Well least it was his own tulip.

In the last hour I've been sick on twice and now just sprayed in diarrhoea! And it's not mine!!!

So much for an early night.

Busy night cleaning the Tesco toilets then.

[MarillionFan]

Busy night cleaning the Tesco toilets then.

That's right. At least you hadn't been in though. I hate having to clean semen off the floor and your handprints off the wall.