I sh1tted myself at work today

[Incognito]

I hate having to clean semen off the floor

Next time swallow, don't gargle.

[Virtual Lover]

I once came home after a curry and skin full of beer, I staggered through the door as quite as possible because I had a new girlfriend and she was meeting me after the pub back at mine. Problem was I was sat in my favourite recliner finishing off a large JD and coke when I had the urge to break wind; I of course shuffled my bum to give the noxious gas room to escape and decided to add some effort to the fart, only for it to turn from wind to liquid tulip... I of course cursed and staggered to my feet and walked to the kitchen like John Wayne after a days riding. Off came the jeans, undies and shirt and put them straight into the washing machine. After checking for spillage on the carpet and chair I felt proud of myself for handling the situation quickly so I could get back to my JD. I must of fallen asleep quite quickly in the chair and had a dream about pile drivers for some reason.. a repetitive banging noise as I recall.. The next day I was woken by the new ( now ex ) girlfriend with her arms folded and a not so polite expression, she promptly asked me why I had decided to wash her new dress on a boil wash .. shrinking it to a size -2 in the middle of night and why of course I was sleeping naked on a chair my lower half covered in coke.. I couldn’t... I just said I’m really sorry and offered to buy her a new one, for some reason she just huffed and stormed off towards the stair shouting back.. you washed your wallet you may need to order some new credit cards.. poo I thought, then she shouted , you might want to use my phone coz you washed yours at the same time, I didn’t quite catch what she said next as she disappeared upstairs but I think it had dick head in it..

[cailin maith]

I once came home after a curry and skin full of beer, I staggered through the door as quite as possible because I had a new girlfriend and she was meeting me after the pub back at mine. Problem was I was sat in my favourite recliner finishing off a large JD and coke when I had the urge to break wind; I of course shuffled my bum to give the noxious gas room to escape and decided to add some effort to the fart, only for it to turn from wind to liquid tulip... I of course cursed and staggered to my feet and walked to the kitchen like John Wayne after a days riding. Off came the jeans, undies and shirt and put them straight into the washing machine. After checking for spillage on the carpet and chair I felt proud of myself for handling the situation quickly so I could get back to my JD. I must of fallen asleep quite quickly in the chair and had a dream about pile drivers for some reason.. a repetitive banging noise as I recall.. The next day I was woken by the new ( now ex ) girlfriend with her arms folded and a not so polite expression, she promptly asked me why I had decided to wash her new dress on a boil wash .. shrinking it to a size -2 in the middle of night and why of course I was sleeping naked on a chair my lower half covered in coke.. I couldn’t... I just said I’m really sorry and offered to buy her a new one, for some reason she just huffed and stormed off towards the stair shouting back.. you washed your wallet you may need to order some new credit cards.. poo I thought, then she shouted , you might want to use my phone coz you washed yours at the same time, I didn’t quite catch what she said next as she disappeared upstairs but I think it had dick head in it..

Now that's a shart.

[doodab]

I once came home after a curry and skin full of beer, I staggered through the door as quite as possible because I had a new girlfriend and she was meeting me after the pub back at mine. Problem was I was sat in my favourite recliner finishing off a large JD and coke when I had the urge to break wind; I of course shuffled my bum to give the noxious gas room to escape and decided to add some effort to the fart, only for it to turn from wind to liquid tulip... I of course cursed and staggered to my feet and walked to the kitchen like John Wayne after a days riding. Off came the jeans, undies and shirt and put them straight into the washing machine. After checking for spillage on the carpet and chair I felt proud of myself for handling the situation quickly so I could get back to my JD. I must of fallen asleep quite quickly in the chair and had a dream about pile drivers for some reason.. a repetitive banging noise as I recall.. The next day I was woken by the new ( now ex ) girlfriend with her arms folded and a not so polite expression, she promptly asked me why I had decided to wash her new dress on a boil wash .. shrinking it to a size -2 in the middle of night and why of course I was sleeping naked on a chair my lower half covered in coke.. I couldn’t... I just said I’m really sorry and offered to buy her a new one, for some reason she just huffed and stormed off towards the stair shouting back.. you washed your wallet you may need to order some new credit cards.. poo I thought, then she shouted , you might want to use my phone coz you washed yours at the same time, I didn’t quite catch what she said next as she disappeared upstairs but I think it had dick head in it..

That is possibly the best of the lot :