Reply to: I sh1tted myself at work today

[doodab]

I once came home after a curry and skin full of beer, I staggered through the door as quite as possible because I had a new girlfriend and she was meeting me after the pub back at mine. Problem was I was sat in my favourite recliner finishing off a large JD and coke when I had the urge to break wind; I of course shuffled my bum to give the noxious gas room to escape and decided to add some effort to the fart, only for it to turn from wind to liquid tulip... I of course cursed and staggered to my feet and walked to the kitchen like John Wayne after a days riding. Off came the jeans, undies and shirt and put them straight into the washing machine. After checking for spillage on the carpet and chair I felt proud of myself for handling the situation quickly so I could get back to my JD. I must of fallen asleep quite quickly in the chair and had a dream about pile drivers for some reason.. a repetitive banging noise as I recall.. The next day I was woken by the new ( now ex ) girlfriend with her arms folded and a not so polite expression, she promptly asked me why I had decided to wash her new dress on a boil wash .. shrinking it to a size -2 in the middle of night and why of course I was sleeping naked on a chair my lower half covered in coke.. I couldn’t... I just said I’m really sorry and offered to buy her a new one, for some reason she just huffed and stormed off towards the stair shouting back.. you washed your wallet you may need to order some new credit cards.. poo I thought, then she shouted , you might want to use my phone coz you washed yours at the same time, I didn’t quite catch what she said next as she disappeared upstairs but I think it had dick head in it..

That is possibly the best of the lot :

[cailin maith]

I once came home after a curry and skin full of beer, I staggered through the door as quite as possible because I had a new girlfriend and she was meeting me after the pub back at mine. Problem was I was sat in my favourite recliner finishing off a large JD and coke when I had the urge to break wind; I of course shuffled my bum to give the noxious gas room to escape and decided to add some effort to the fart, only for it to turn from wind to liquid tulip... I of course cursed and staggered to my feet and walked to the kitchen like John Wayne after a days riding. Off came the jeans, undies and shirt and put them straight into the washing machine. After checking for spillage on the carpet and chair I felt proud of myself for handling the situation quickly so I could get back to my JD. I must of fallen asleep quite quickly in the chair and had a dream about pile drivers for some reason.. a repetitive banging noise as I recall.. The next day I was woken by the new ( now ex ) girlfriend with her arms folded and a not so polite expression, she promptly asked me why I had decided to wash her new dress on a boil wash .. shrinking it to a size -2 in the middle of night and why of course I was sleeping naked on a chair my lower half covered in coke.. I couldn’t... I just said I’m really sorry and offered to buy her a new one, for some reason she just huffed and stormed off towards the stair shouting back.. you washed your wallet you may need to order some new credit cards.. poo I thought, then she shouted , you might want to use my phone coz you washed yours at the same time, I didn’t quite catch what she said next as she disappeared upstairs but I think it had dick head in it..

Now that's a shart.

[Virtual Lover]

I once came home after a curry and skin full of beer, I staggered through the door as quite as possible because I had a new girlfriend and she was meeting me after the pub back at mine. Problem was I was sat in my favourite recliner finishing off a large JD and coke when I had the urge to break wind; I of course shuffled my bum to give the noxious gas room to escape and decided to add some effort to the fart, only for it to turn from wind to liquid tulip... I of course cursed and staggered to my feet and walked to the kitchen like John Wayne after a days riding. Off came the jeans, undies and shirt and put them straight into the washing machine. After checking for spillage on the carpet and chair I felt proud of myself for handling the situation quickly so I could get back to my JD. I must of fallen asleep quite quickly in the chair and had a dream about pile drivers for some reason.. a repetitive banging noise as I recall.. The next day I was woken by the new ( now ex ) girlfriend with her arms folded and a not so polite expression, she promptly asked me why I had decided to wash her new dress on a boil wash .. shrinking it to a size -2 in the middle of night and why of course I was sleeping naked on a chair my lower half covered in coke.. I couldn’t... I just said I’m really sorry and offered to buy her a new one, for some reason she just huffed and stormed off towards the stair shouting back.. you washed your wallet you may need to order some new credit cards.. poo I thought, then she shouted , you might want to use my phone coz you washed yours at the same time, I didn’t quite catch what she said next as she disappeared upstairs but I think it had dick head in it..

[Incognito]

I hate having to clean semen off the floor

Next time swallow, don't gargle.

[MarillionFan]

Busy night cleaning the Tesco toilets then.

That's right. At least you hadn't been in though. I hate having to clean semen off the floor and your handprints off the wall.

[Incognito]

Well least it was his own tulip.

In the last hour I've been sick on twice and now just sprayed in diarrhoea! And it's not mine!!!

So much for an early night.

Busy night cleaning the Tesco toilets then.

[d000hg]

HyperD's signature seems a whole lot more appropriate in this thread.

[suityou01]

I was in a pub once with some buddies when I got caught short. I nipped to the loo, got in the trap, keks down, bum on bowl just in the nick of time.

After the ensuing explosion I realised there was no paper. I did the bumclenchwaddle to the next trap, while praying no one came in. No paper either. So I waddled back to ground zero and sat back down.

I decided to google the pub on my phone and give them a call. I could hear their phone ringing from the bog. No bugger answered. Tried 3 times.

So I rang my mates. "Where are you, you've been ages?!"

I explained my plight and asked if they could get the landlady to pop a roll under the door.

She obliged, but on re-entering the bar, from the sea of sniggering faces including staff, regulars and my mates I knew the cat was out of the bag.

[shaunbhoy]

Many moons ago, whilst working on rolling out the Analogue Cellnet Mobile Network, a sparky and I found ourselves working on a remote site in Suffolk. We had built the site from scratch, and one of our final tasks was to remove the multitude of cardboard boxes that the equipment had been delivered in, to the local tip. This site was located on a Water Company site, and we had been expressly forbidden from "doing our ablutions" on Water Board property. However, the nearest bogs were a few miles drive away, and having had a few beers and a curry the night before, the drive was not an option. Time was very much of the essence.
I patently came to the conclusion that the cabin itself was not "Water Board Property", and neither were the empty cardboard boxes. So if I therefore defecated into one of the boxes whilst within our cabin, I would not have contravened any rules. So I merrily did this, safe in the knowledge that within a day or two, said boxes (plus cargo) would be at the tip.
The downside came, however, when another commissioning team came to help us finish, and we could not locate a missing modem cable. My sparky grinningly suggested to the other sparky that it must still be within our pile of boxes, and told him to have a rummage through them to see what he could find.
He never did find that missing cable, but I'll say this for him.....he at least had a good look!! How we laughed!!

[darmstadt]

I hadn't had a tulip for a few weeks due to lying flat on my back and not having really eaten much either. The doctors decided that I really should evacuate my bowels and decided that an enema was in order. This involved a young nurse and a small tube of some substance. This was gently inserted in to my rear passage and whatever contents were in the tube were passed into my body. I was given the instructions to lie quietly and in about 15 minutes I should feel some movement and a bedpan would be placed under me to allow the effluence to dribble out. By the time the nurse got to the door, my guts were churning and I knew that I had to go there and then. With a scream, 'nurse, bedpan, now,' she rushed back and told me that it can't be working yet but one look at my face told her it was, pulled the covers off me (I had no lower clothing on as it was not possible to put any on me) and attempted to place a bedpan under me, which was not an easy task due to the amount on pins sticking out of me holding me in traction. Sadly this haste was to no avail as my bum exploded like a muck spreader and the poor young nurse got a little bit splattered leaving a silhouette on the wall. Naturally I was contrite but boy did I feel better.

[hyperD]

A very long time ago I came back from the City on the last train home after a massive Guinness session and was forced to use shanks' pony to get home. One part of the journey involved walking up a long steep hill and all the huffing and puffing must have switched doors to manual and there was no control once the Guinness had rendered all backup systems inoperative.

With great desperation I looked for some cover in the neighbourhood and found a low small brick wall with some small bushes behind which would render as some makeshift commode. I barely managed to get trousers and pants down in time and the business was done in a flash.

The following morning I walked back to work nursing a hangover from Hades, when I passed the house with the makeshift commode and found the neighbour there in the garden. Then with absolute horror, I realised last night's emergency hadn’t gone quite as well as I expected.

Instead of discreetly dropping behind the bushes, the glistening, breathing bowel reptile was basking boldly on the wall, stretched out in all its glorious Guinness livery. Without hesitating I smiled and waved at the neighbour and walked on by.

Later that month we met up with our neighbour, and even today he goes on angrily about airlifting the black dog mess that was not created by dog.

[Wilmslow]

I was on the M5 south, just after Birmingham, which was closed due to a serious accident involving the helicopter needing to land on the other side. A group of lads started playing 5-a-side on the empty northbound, a couple of student types started to strum and sing along to a guitar.

I really need to go after a few hours, so went to the grass verge by the hard shoulder.

Cue a coach of old folk singing 'We know what you are doing'........



Another not as embarrasing momemt was when the M62 was closed on ym way home for a few hours. I was on a motowray ramp, nowhere to head off to for a slash. Fairly quick thinking, I used the key to hack off the neck of the water bottle (as the bottle mouth is too much of an aim to chance in a car seat!), which gave me enough room to make myself comfortable. The problem being it was asmall bottle, took a few stop-starts and discretely opening the door and chucking out the yellow liquid. With the heat of the engines around, I was not a very popular person.......

[d000hg]

Now we've had this discussion before. Stop boasting about your charity work.

[MarillionFan]

Well least it was his own tulip.

In the last hour I've been sick on twice and now just sprayed in diarrhoea! And it's not mine!!!

So much for an early night.

[cojak]

One of my most embarrassing moments came the morning after a champagne night. I spent a happy evening at a friend's (and ex-boss) home where we quaffed a couple (or 3) bottles. The following morning the post-booze dump that I couldn't prevent was staggering in it's fragrance - I've never smelt anything before or since. And my friend was posh and didn't have any aerosol. The smell went through the whole house.

And her husband had to give me a lift into work as well.

I still cringe thinking about it. Champagne hangovers are the worst...