Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

'EAST LONDON NEWS'- A seven-year-old East London, Newham boy was at the
centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a
court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history
of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody
to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring
that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy
surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than
his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out
they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life
among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy
to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to West Ham United.
whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[darmstadt]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want
you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having
an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you
are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently...
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him
and smiles. "The airbag."

[darmstadt]

A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor
was amazed at what good shape the bloke was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old 'un said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm
up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight
inspection, fly all day, etc."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old bloke said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your father's still
alive?
How old is he?"

The old bloke said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his
own airplane!

He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a
pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old man said, "Who said my grandfather's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still
living?! How old is he?"

The old man said, "Grandad is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I suppose he went
flying with you this morning too?"

The old man said, "No...Grandad couldn't go this morning because he just
got married and he's on his honeymoon."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a 102-year-old man
want to get married?"

The old bloke said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[darmstadt]

A week before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Halloween raffle. Seeing as the raffle was for charity, they bought five $1 tickets each. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

[darmstadt]

The story goes that Mrs Descartes was throwing a New Year's party to
celebrate the arrival of 1630 and had spent weeks preparing. She had
invited all the local jet (equestrian?) setters.
Moments before the guests started to arrive she instructed Descartes that
the pastries on the table to the side were not to be eaten until after
midnight to make sure there was enough food to keep the guests from
leaving too soon. To make sure, she tasked Rene with the job of guarding
them until an hour or so after midnight at which time she would invite the
guests to help themselves. Though deep in thought, he agreed to mind the
table.
As the party got into full swing, Descartes found himself in an absorbing
philosophical discussion with Vandyke over why Titian removed a church
from the Venetian background in one of his paintings. To hear each other
better, the two wandered away from the crowd, in the direction of the
forbidden baked goods.
Without Descartes noticing, Vandyke starting munching thoughfully on a
pastry. Suddenly Descartes snapped out of his thoughts and realised what
Vandyke was doing. His reaction surprised Vandyke who figured that
Descartes surely must have just thought of something of great
significance. Discretely, Descartes wrote a message on a napkin and handed
it to Vandyke so as not to attract his wife's attention. However, just at
that moment they were interrupted, which meant Vandyke could only stuff
the napkin into his pocket for later.
The next morning he removed the napkin to see what profundity his friend
had bequeathed him and, sure enough, there scrawled in Descartes hand was
an expression of timeless insight, "I think they're for 1 am."

[darmstadt]

A Basildon Essex woman went to the doctor with a problem and
was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a
specimen?"! He replied, "Buggered if I know. Go next door and ask Sharon. She's a nurse.

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty
minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What the f**k happened to you?" asked her husband.

"No bloody idea," she replies. "I asked that Sharon what a
specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

[darmstadt]

A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild.
Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated
adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a
while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen,
so she calls the video store to complain.

Shelly: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape but static."

Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those
tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Shelly: "Head Cleaner."

[darmstadt]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies
of
thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several
yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a
genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an HM Taxes badge and dull grey
suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one
ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a bloody
Tax man.
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

*POOF**

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he
is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, mister what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

*POOF**

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, mate, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where
I
go beautiful women will want and need me."

**POOF**

He is turned into a tampax.

The moral of the story?

If a Tax-man offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[darmstadt]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
upevery two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? (I know it's not spelt
like that ;op~~)

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?

[darmstadt]

A Gendarme stops a motorist .

The Gendarme :

Bonjour Monsieur, you just drove straight through a STOP sign. I have
to
write you a ticket. But as today I am in a good mood, I will offer you
a
chance to get off.



The motorist:

Ah really? What must I do?



The Gendarme :

I will ask you 2 questions...If you reply correctly, I will tear up
your
ticket!



The motorist :

OK!



The Gendarme :

What has four wheels and a steering wheel?

Motorist :

A car?



The Gendarme :

Yes... but a Toyota, a Volvo, a Mercedes? Sorry, I can't consider your
response as correct...



I will ask you a second question... Now concentrate ! What has two
wheels
and a set of handlebars

Motorist :

A motorcycle?



The Gendarme :

Yes... but a Suzuki, a Honda, a Kawasaki?.. Terribly sorry, but I must
write
you a ticket.



The Gendarme, satisfied gives him his ticket.



As he is about to leave, the motorist asks in an ironic tone:

Can I also ask you a question?



The Gendarme :

Of course!



The motorist:

What paces up and down the footpath in a leather mini-skirt with a
handbag
slung over her shoulder and chewing gum?



The Gendarme:

Why a hooker!



The motorist:

Yes but ... your sister, your mother, your aunt?