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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • NotAllThere
    replied
    Originally posted by vetran View Post
    My gran needs eye surgery after watching the world cup...

    She has Qataracts.
    I've heard the Nile has those.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Do you know what floats my boat?



    A high tide.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    My gran needs eye surgery after watching the world cup...

    She has Qataracts.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Originally posted by vetran View Post
    BBC: UK net migration hits all-time record at 504,000.

    As if we didn't have enough trouble! Now we are being invaded by nets!
    If you think that's bad, wait until you hear about the figure just of those arriving - it's gross!

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    One man's rubbish is another man's treasure.

    Not the best way to find out from your dad that you're adopted.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    BBC: UK net migration hits all-time record at 504,000.

    As if we didn't have enough trouble! Now we are being invaded by nets!

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    A really old bloke in the pub was telling me his war stories, about how he survived a mustard gas attack and got pepper sprayed as a method of torture from the bad guys.

    "So you're a seasoned veteran then?" I asked.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    It must be awesome being the CEO of an energy company.

    The money's great, and every winter you bump off more pensioners than Harold Shipman and don't even get in trouble.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Wales vs Iran?!

    Blimey, I wouldn't fancy being a sheep going to that one.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    COP: Where were you the night of the murder?

    CROW: I was with a group of friends

    COP: What would you call that group?

    CROW: …I want a lawyer

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    '...A Lawyer representing a wealthy art dealer called him and said,
    "Saul, I have some good and some bad news for you."

    The art dealer replied,
    "I've had a terrible day. Give me the good news first."

    "Well", says the Lawyer. "I met with your wife yesterday and she told me she had purchased two pictures for £5,000, but she thinks they might be worth £5-10 MILLION!'

    "Fantastic woman, my wife, and a very smart businesswoman too" says the art dealer.

    "What's the bad news?"

    The Lawyer replied,

    "The pictures are of you banging your secretary."

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    When I was a baby, my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager.

    It wasn't until I was 18 that I realised I'd been Fostered.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    With their price rises, this winter the power companies will be screwing more old ladies than Wayne Rooney.

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    -I see there's gap on your CV - four years? What were you doing?
    -I was in Yale
    -Really? Very impressive, you're hired
    -Great, I really need a Yob.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Since it's Billy Connolly's birthday, here's one of his:
    “A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said how can you tell them apart, he said ‘her brother’s got a moustache!’”

    Leave a comment:

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