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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • WTFH
    replied
    Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year? Because Turkey is on the red list, but vegetables are all green

    Which vaccine did Father Christmas get? Mince Pfizer

    Why did Rudolph’s nose have too self-isolate? It failed the lateral glow test

    Why didn’t Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers? It was just 2 deer

    How do you know the heating bill for December is too high? Dad won’t even let you open the windows on your advent calendar. 

    Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson? He’s keeps going back on his word

    Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas? Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels

    Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner? They know she’s unlikely to drop a set

    Which ‘Friends’ character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app? Chandler Ping

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    What language does Santa Claus speak? North Polish.

    Which reindeer was known for his bad manners? Rude-olph.

    What do you call an old snowman? Water.

    Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she told me nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I gave her nothing.

    Why was Santa's elf depressed? He had low elf esteem.

    What is a parent's favorite Christmas carol? Silent Night.

    Who is Santa's favorite singer? Elf-is Presley.

    Mrs Claus: "Look out the window, Santa. Is it snowing?"
    Santa: "Looks like reindeer."

    Why does Scrooge love reindeer? Because every buck is deer to him.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I was carrying my shopping home when my bag split.

    I should have waited longer after my vasectomy to do something strenuous.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Blasphemy.

    It's a victimless crime.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I don't know why I bothered to take my son to see Father Christmas. He'd clearly been drinking and stunk of cigarettes.

    Christ knows what Santa thought of him.

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  • NotAllThere
    replied
    WINTER TYRES

    I refuse to fit winter tyres on my car because:
    · It’s my car, my choice, my freedom.
    · The effectiveness of winter tires is not proven, except by studies carried out by the manufacturers (you amaze me).
    · My neighbour, Steve, had an accident after putting on his winter tyres.
    · Some are already on their third set of tyres, which proves their ineffectiveness.
    · We do not know what they are made of.
    · Big Tyre scares us with "winter" just to enrich themselves.
    · In fact, Big Tyre invented snow and they spread it at night while you sleep.
    · If I have winter tyres, the government can track me in the snow.
    · Educate yourself, open your eyes.. Wake up sheeple!

    This year, winter tyres - just say no!

    (OK, doesn't really apply to the UK, since who needs specific seasonal tyres, but it made me chuckle).

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but I always like to check anyway.

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  • NotAllThere
    replied
    What started at a pandemic became an IQ test. Since Omicron is an anagram of Moronic, it's clear we've all failed that test.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    The Duke of Edinburgh asked the Queen if she fancied sex.

    She responded, "Do one."

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  • vetran
    replied
    The Chinese community in Liverpool always cook in pairs.

    They never Wok alone.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    I wouldn’t say I was angry about my Peruvian ancestry. Incandescent is the word I would use

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    Have you heard of the Nu variant?

    Nu variant? What's Nu?

    Not much, what's Nu with you?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    For SE:

    Man lost for words when asked by his wife "what is mansplaining ?"
    Last edited by vetran; 25 November 2021, 15:56.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    That you Boris?

    Breaking News Headlines. The Daily Express have just announced that Peppa Pig is pregnant.

    Leave a comment:

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