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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • WTFH
    replied
    "Have you got something in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"


    "I've got something in my pocket, nan."

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Two women walking home pissed had to do a pee so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without her knickers. You think that's bad, said the other, mine had a card stuck in her butt cheeks saying "From all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Because the idiots in marketing never thought / had the balls to run the ad when Andrew first got caught out:

    "Woking Pizza Express - so good you'll forget everything else you did that night."

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Got my bloody viagra mixed up with my sleeping tablets last night!



    Managed to get 40 wanks....

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Last night my wife and I started punching each other whilst wearing boxing gloves and singing 'Eye of the Tiger'.

    I think our marriage is going through a Rocky patch.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    I'm thinking of switching my energy supplier from Red Bull to Lucozade.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    The other day, my wife accused me of dressing up as Matt Damon's secret agent character.

    She must think I was Bourne yesterday.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    The human variant of bird flu recently detected in the UK has been called Crowvid-19

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    "Did you know Joseph Stalin had a prosthetic made out of a vegetable?"

    "Really? The dictator?"

    "Oh, I heard it was his leg".

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Vin Diesel eats two meals at the start of each day:

    Breakfast
    &
    Breakfurious.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    At the police station I claimed that the reason I broke into that guy's house is because I thought he was a dangerous lunatic and that he possessed some dangerous illegal weapons which I wanted to rid him of.

    I wonder if I'll get a knighthood for this?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    So basically when porn stars take off their clothes.

    They're getting dressed for work...

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    What do vampires drink to get drunk?


    Bloodweiser

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    I wanted to tell a joke about vaccination.

    But you wouldn't get it.

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    An electron goes into a bar. The barman asks him "Where's proton?"

    "He couldn't come. He's positive".

    Leave a comment:

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