Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."

[WTFH]

I recently hired a handyman.
I presented him with his list of tasks to get done, but on further inspection he’s only done numbers 1, 3 and 5.
It turns out he only does odd jobs.

[sadkingbilly]

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Happy Friday peeps

[NotAllThere]

What do you call a group of gay lions?

The same as you call any group of lions!

[WTFH]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Is this stool taken?"

[WTFH]

Not many people know this, but the Dalai Lama owns a sandwich shop called the Deli Lama.
He has a happy hour where for the price of a single-ingredient sandwich he’ll make you one with everything.

[WTFH]

Across the James Bond films between 1962 and 2021, Bond takes 86 international trips, has 59 sexual liaisons and washes his hands twice.

Because of this, researchers believe he is likely to die of acute diarrhea.

[WTFH]

The Vatican have trolled the US with a epic one - Donald Trump is NOT the most powerful American in the world.

Trump: 340 million US citizens.
Leo: 1.1 billion Catholics.
In fact, it looks like there are more Catholics in the US than people who voted republican at the last election. Double burn.

[WTFH]

The new Pope has a degree in mathematics from Villanova University.


This guy doesn’t just understand sin. He understands cos.

[WTFH]

Smart play for the Vatican to go with an American Pope to avoid tariffs

[NotAllThere]

Not many people know this about Phil Spectre, but he had a brother who worked in Quality Control at Walkers.

Crispen.

[WTFH]

Not many people know this about Stan Lee, but he had a brother who spent most of his life convinced he was a green vegetable.


His name was Broco.

[WTFH]

Not many people know this about Brazilian tennis player Gustavo Kuerten, but he has a sister who makes frilly window dressings.


Her name is Anette.

[WTFH]

Not many people know this about Italian goalkeeper Dino Zoff, but he has a brother who was a sprinter.


His name is Andy.

[WTFH]

Not many people know this about Germaine Greer, but she has a sister who is even more furious.

Her name is Anne.