Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[NotAllThere]

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
"I’m a Tax man.”

I recall a sketch where someone is challenged to prove they're from the tax office. So he picks up a stone and some drops of blood fall out.

[I am tired TIRED]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, " Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. " And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[WTFH]

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
"I’m a Tax man.”

[ladymuck]

Carlsberg is to conduct its biggest trial of recyclable fibre beer bottles across Europe.

If the trial is successful, the next stage is to try putting some decent beer in them.

Lolz. That'll never happen

[vetran]

My daughter was doing a project on famous astronomers and she asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, 'He was a poor boy from a poor family.'

[vetran]

Taliban: Allah forbids music!

God: Shake, Rattle and Roll!

[vetran]

BREAKING NEWS:

Anguish of young man who had sex organs removed on NHS then regretted it the same day... as he SUES NHS over gender reassignment surgery. - Daily Mail - UK

Just like a woman to change her mind.

[vetran]

They now include a pen with some packs of condoms. So if you cant come you can write.

[vetran]

Carlsberg is to conduct its biggest trial of recyclable fibre beer bottles across Europe.

If the trial is successful, the next stage is to try putting some decent beer in them.

[vetran]

My car just ran out of petrol. My insurance company have deemed it a write off

[vetran]

What happens when you make a noise in Ninja Church?

The nun chucks you out.

[vetran]

Do trees tulip in the woods?

Of course they do. How else would we get Number 2 pencils?

[vetran]

BREAKING NEWS:

Paul McCartney celebrates his 80th birthday with Stella in Mykonos. - Daily Mail UK

You would think with all his wealth, he would have bought at least ONE bottle of Champagne.

[vetran]

To celebrate our wedding anniversary, the wife asked me to book a romantic restaurant.

To show her truly how much I care, I sent her a photo of my meal.

[vetran]

With an energy crisis and soaring inflation rates, and mass industrial action on the way, some people have suggested Britain is reliving the 1970s.

Nonsense.

Back then, there was good music on the radio.