Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I took my clarinet back to the music shop, "I don't know what it is, " I said, "I can only seem to be able to play one tune on it, Perfect Day, nothing else seems right or in tune. " "Let's have a look, " said the assistant as he dismantled my clarinet, "ha, there's the problem, looks like it was fitted with a Lou Reed. "

[vetran]

classic song

[vetran]

The water in Britain's rivers is made up of three elements. H, for hydrogen O for Oxygen and the number 2 in the middle for all the tulip.

[vetran]

It was good enough for Her Majesty apparently?

'Mother Superior, she's dying. All the nuns gathered round the bed and one nun said "well we must offer Mother Superior a fresh glass of water".

'So they duly did that and Mother Superior dismissed it and said "take it away, I don't want that".

'So they went a little bit further and the nun said "I know, let's capture our very best cow and we'll milk her and offer a fresh glass of milk." They offered Mother Superior this fresh glass of milk and Mother Superior said "don't want it, take it away".

'A very naughty nun said "I know, let's put a real good glug of whisky in the milk - see if that will work".

'So they duly did that and Mother Superior drank the whole darn thing down.'

'The inevitable happened two days later, that Mother Superior is going to pass into the better world, and all the nuns gathered round her bed and said "do you have any final requests", and she said "yes, I just have one: whatever you do, do not sell that cow".'

[WTFH]

Little known fact.Richard Gere’s dad, Gottler, was a famous Swedish ventriloquist.

[WTFH]

A little girl complained to her father,
"Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"
"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy?

[WTFH]

As I was watching the Olympics last night, I couldn't help but think of Sir Terry's joke that he used to roll out every games.

A guy sees a man walking into the State de France carrying a long metal stick.
The guy says to him "are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replies "nein, I am German, but how did you know my name?"

[sadkingbilly]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

[WTFH]

I feel today may be appropriate for sharing this Marc Jennings joke:

I was talking to this guy in Belfast and he happened to be a big sorta DUP-voting loyalist/Unionist guy in Northern Ireland. Then he starts telling me his opinions about the trans community. And I’m all like, ‘oh here we f**king go’.

‘This is what he said: ‘If you’re physically a man, how can you identify as a woman?’

‘And I was like: ‘Well, to be fair mate, I mean, Northern Ireland is physically part of Ireland. You don’t seem to have a problem identifying as British’.

‘I mean, what is Northern Ireland if not a trans country, let’s be honest. And if there should be no-one who’s more pro-trans than a Northern Irish Unionist. Like this guy said to me: ‘These trans people, they’re called one name, and expect you to call them another?’

‘I said: ‘What? Like do you mean like Derry and Londonderry, for example, is that what you’re kinda talking about?’

[sadkingbilly]

Particle physics gives me a hadron.

[WTFH]

One for SKB (Which I just realised is the abbreviation for a former division of Glaxo) …

Anyway, did you hear about the polygamist Hungarian sound engineer?
He had a Romanian wife and…
A Czech one too.

[sadkingbilly]

My mate always turns his head slightly away from the printer when he's using it
Apparently he can only see it in his peripheral vision.

[sadkingbilly]

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....
My boss asked “what companies? “
Gas, water and electricity

[sadkingbilly]

thinking of Vetty:

Some people are like slinkys, totally pointless but the thought of pushing them down a flight of stairs never fails to put a smile on your face.

[vetran]

Although the 20mph speed limit was only introduced last year by Mark Drakeford, 2 per cent of potential visitors were put off by it.
The other 98% are put off by the Welsh.