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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • vetran
    replied
    Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a supermarket.
    Doctor: How long have you felt like this?
    Me: Since I was Lidl.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Flaming British tradesmen!
    Just paid a chippie £300 to build me a double bed and the idiot has done a bunk!

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    First time I met my wife I immediately thought "what an arse"
    Sadly, so did she about me.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Welcome to the Assumption Club.

    I think we all know why we're here.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    '...My Dentist says I need a crown.

    FINALLY!

    Someone who appreciates me.'

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Nobody was interested in my carpentry class until I offered to teach them how to make glory holes.

    Now they're all coming out of the woodwork.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    What's black and white and desperate for attention?

    Gary Linekar

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    If it weren't for Arabs we'd never have 9/11.

    Instead we'd have IX/XI.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Texas says abortion can remain legal but the baby gets an AR-15 to defend itself.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    My grandfather broke his leg by standing on a door mat.

    I probably should have explained the concept of a helter skelter.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    There's a 'My Body My Choice' rally at the town hall tonight and I really want to go.

    But they told me I'm not welcome, as I'm unvaccinated.

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    Originally posted by WTFH View Post
    A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
    The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
    Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and
    lost the bet.
    Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."
    After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
    Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
    But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass.
    As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
    Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
    a weight-lifter, or what?"
    The little man quietly replied:
    "I’m a Tax man.”
    I recall a sketch where someone is challenged to prove they're from the tax office. So he picks up a stone and some drops of blood fall out.

    Leave a comment:


  • I am tired TIRED
    replied
    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, " Business trip or pleasure?"
    She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
    "Lecturer," she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really?" he said. " And what kind of myths are there?"
    "Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."
    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
    The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
    Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and
    lost the bet.
    Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."
    After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
    Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
    But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass.
    As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
    Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
    a weight-lifter, or what?"
    The little man quietly replied:
    "I’m a Tax man.”

    Leave a comment:


  • ladymuck
    replied
    Originally posted by vetran View Post
    Carlsberg is to conduct its biggest trial of recyclable fibre beer bottles across Europe.

    If the trial is successful, the next stage is to try putting some decent beer in them.
    Lolz. That'll never happen

    Leave a comment:

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