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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • WTFH
    replied
    A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.



    Schwepped her off her feet.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

    It scared me so much that today I’ve decided never to read it again.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Left some fruit and vegetables outside my house with an honesty box.

    When I returned, there was a note inside the box telling me I’m far too old to be wearing skinny jeans.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    A defendant gets found Not Guilty of stealing a car.

    So he says to the judge: "Can I keep the car then?"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Amber Heard arrived at court yesterday three hours too soon.

    The security guard said "your're early, tulip the bed?"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    one for WTFH

    I joined my local group of Onanists Anonymous, at the first session the facilitator asked "Has anyone accompanied you tonight?"

    I said "No, I come alone!"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Me: Howard.

    Her: How do you know His name's Howard?

    Me: Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I just invented a new food called 'something'.

    People are always saying you should eat something. I'm a genius.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Cryptosporidium - An illness that makes people tulip themselves when their Bitcoin has gone into free fall

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Originally posted by WTFH View Post
    Mrs V: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.


    Vetran: I understand. And for the main course?
    Well she didn't marry me for my looks, it must be my huge penis.

    Yours on the other hand married you because you are a huge penis?
    Last edited by vetran; 15 May 2022, 12:14.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    My boss told me that as a security guard it's my job to watch the office.

    I'm not sure what it's it got to do with security, but I'm on season six.

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    However the Russians have established air superiority by now.


    Their Flying Tank Turrets are a hit.

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    Putin explains to Chinese President Xi that he’s fighting a proxy war against NATO.​
    "How is it going" asks Xi
    "So far, we’ve lost a flagship, 20,000 troops, 8 generals, 500 tanks and 100 planes”, says Putin
    "What about NATO?” asks Xi.​
    "They haven’t turned up yet.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Mrs V: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.


    Vetran: I understand. And for the main course?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    My inflatable house got a puncture last night.



    Now I'm living in a flat.

    Leave a comment:

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