Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

This bus breaks down.
Driver says to the conductress, “I’ll fix this, love.”
He’s got his head under the bonnet.
Ten minutes go by.
Passengers getting restless.
Conductress goes down and says, “Do you want a screwdriver?”
He replies “no, we’re 10 minutes late already”

[WTFH]

A woman walks past a petshop and sees a magnificent parrot in the window.

She rushes inside and says, 'How much for the parrot?'

'£5,' says the shopkeeper.

'Only £5? I've got to have it,' says the woman. 'Why's it so cheap?'

'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' said the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'

'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

'New place - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

'New place, new girls - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'

[vetran]

A guy was driving down a country lane and he ran over a cockerel and he was very upset. He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said: 'I appear to have killed your cockerel. I'd like to replace him.'

And she said: 'Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

Nod to Barry Cryer

[vetran]

I went to a wife-swapping party last night.

It was great. I got a lawnmower and a crate of beer for mine.

[vetran]

The US isn't the only country with a leader who can't control his bodily functions.

After being threatened by Biden and Boris, Putin has pissed himself laughing.

[vetran]

Peter Dinklage has slammed the remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, calling it 'backwards'.

I guess he'll be playing Grumpy then.

[vetran]

I made some French toast this morning.


Yesterday I made a couple of Belgians some waffles.

[vetran]

BBC News - John Lennon's eldest son Julian is selling several pieces of music history from his personal collection.

I had a look, but the good stuff was already gone and now it's much too late for good buys.

[vetran]

The sexy blonde interviewer asked, "What do you see yourself doing in the future?"

Apparently, "You and your mum," isn't appropriate.

[vetran]

Two men have been arrested following the death of a man in his 30s in Norfolk. His wife and sister have been informed.

She is said to be very distraught and heartbroken.

[vetran]

I think my wife's having an affair with a lighthouse keeper. Someone keeps ringing the house asking if the coast is clear.

[vetran]

I was reading the paper at home last night, when my wife's water broke.

As she screamed and held her belly in pain, I thought I'd quickly grab the car keys and my coat.

With all that noise, I desperately needed a pint.

[vetran]

For spooter

I'm not saying that the hotel I stayed in last week was sleazy, but the pages of the Gideon Bible were stuck together.

[WTFH]

"Have you got something in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"


"I've got something in my pocket, nan."

[WTFH]

Two women walking home pissed had to do a pee so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without her knickers. You think that's bad, said the other, mine had a card stuck in her butt cheeks saying "From all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you"