Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I was so excited when I learned I was the sole heir to my late Aunt's estate!
Until I realised it was a Lada.

[vetran]

Attention, health warning!

Talked to this teenage single mum the other day. Said she "fell pregnant" again

Sounds like it could happen to anyone... walking down the street, trip over a kerb, land on an erect penis

So be careful out there

[vetran]

Diane Abbot was seen with a big banner at the rally today with a picture of Morph on it, as she demonstrated against the Israeli attack on the Plasticine People

[vetran]

About right :

We drew a bunch of funny lines 100 years ago and now we get to watch them become a war zone all over again.

[vetran]

I identify as non-binary; my pronouns are off / on.

[vetran]

Sunak appoints Cameron as Foreign Secretary


Pig fecking mistake

[vetran]

Look, I'm all for colouring books...

But dot-to-dot books?

That's where I draw the line.

[vetran]

Can Joaquin Phoenix succeed in his new film role, "Napoleon"?

Corsican.

[vetran]

I came home to find an Amazon box on my doorstep.
A little voice suddenly said "what time do you call this? where have you been?"
It was a very suspicious package.

[vetran]

I learnt how to deliver a baby today.
You have to tape up their mouths, so they don't make any noise, and make sure there's holes in the box, so they can breathe.

[vetran]

I identify as a male dyslexic and my pronouns are hee/himm.

[vetran]

People think politics is complicated and confusing, when in fact there is a very clear guideline to follow:

If it upsets Gary Lineker, you're on the right track

[vetran]

We got our dogs some glow in the dark dog treats.

You should see their little faeces light up.

[vetran]

What's another way to say you came inside a woman...


Loading the washing machine

[vetran]

For NLUK :

A Wakefield rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25lb Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at twent five pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ?That?s about average in Yorkshire ? like I said , my boy?s a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.? Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ?WOW!? One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ?Say, aren?t you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody?s beenm making bets about how big he?d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?? The proud father answers, ?twenty pounds.? The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ?What happened? He already weighed twenty five pounds the day he was born?
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Tetley?s Bitter, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says??..?

Had him circumsized!"