Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

actually not funny

With the media reporting on all the shortages in the country I'm surprised there's been no mention so far of common sense, forward planning and a competent government.

[vetran]

I've just tried the new recipe lower fat and reduced salt KFC. It's a lot like my jokes.

Not funny, but utterly tasteless.

[vetran]

"Five people were killed in a bow and arrow attack in Norway."

"Feck. Was it a crossbow?"

"Well, it wasn't a very happy one."

[vetran]

Beyoncé has stared a support group for women suffering from Herpes Zoster.

It's for all the Shingle ladies.

[NotAllThere]

I went to a fancy dress party as a mushroom. I wanted people to think I was a fungi to be with.

[vetran]

For Warty

Not saying I’m unattractive, but last night my right hand told me it had a headache.

[vetran]

Have you ever considered that your whole purpose in life is to be a warning to others?

[vetran]

The world tongue twister champion was killed in a horrific accident today, he was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry.

[vetran]

I got on a bus near Bond St tube station.

I said to the driver "do you stop at the Dorchester".


He said "what, on my wages".

[vetran]

My friend asked to borrow some money after losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst,

of course I couldn't let him down,

Not after all the tulip he's been through...

[vetran]

Got myself a Simba mattress.

I'm now the lying king.

[vetran]

What do you call a Chav on fire?

Sauteed.

[vetran]

Just tried a 68....

Same as a 69 but with a chubby bird.

[northernladuk]

Went to a friends fancy dress party in just my boxer shorts. When he opened the door he looked at me and asked 'What are you supposed to be?' 'A premature ejaculation' I answered. 'How is that outfit supposed to be a premature ejaculation?' He asked. I looked at him and says 'Well I've just come in my pants'

Year after he had another where the theme was 'emotions'. Loads of people dressing up like the 7 dwarves, or in grey or with smileys all over themselves. I knock on the door, he opens and I'm there butt nekkid with my knob in a bowl of vanilla sauce. 'OMG not again, what are you supposed to be this time'. I said 'Im f**king dis custard'.

[northernladuk]

My wife turned up at a fancy dress party pissed as a fart and drove into a tree,

"It's ok, " she said. "I've come as Katie Price.

Went to a friends fancy dress party in just my boxer shorts. When he opened the door he looked at me and asked 'What are you supposed to be?' 'A premature ejaculation' I answered. 'How is that outfit supposed to be a premature ejaculation?' He asked. I looked at him and says 'Well I've just come in my pants'