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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • vetran
    replied
    one for Warty:

    I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said, "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

    "I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month."

    "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."

    "I don't mind that," I replied. "I hate giving them to her
    anyway."

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I've had a brilliant idea, where illegal immigrants have to hunt down child molesters for a chance to win citizenship.

    It'll be called aliens vs predators

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    The Verve are playing a gig at our dilapidated village hall.


    It will have to be an acoustic set though, because the plugs don't work.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Today someone told me I am average.



    I told them that’s just mean.

    Leave a comment:


  • ladymuck
    replied
    Originally posted by vetran View Post
    Jimmy Choo used to be called Matt Choo but changed it because he was sick of everyone saying "pitchu?" whenever he introduced himself
    An alternative...

    Leave a comment:


  • NotAllThere
    replied
    Originally posted by vetran View Post
    I'll never date a mime again, they're just too quiet in bed.
    Oh, but the skillful hands!

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me.




    The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    "My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters."


    "Are you mad at her?"


    "Oh no, not you too".

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Jimmy Choo used to be called Matt Choo but changed it because he was sick of everyone saying "bless you" whenever he introduced himself

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    The wife said it's not working between us and she's leaving me.
    I said "Why what have I done".
    "Well for starters you're always telling stupid jokes and puns".
    "And for the main course"?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I was born with a rare condition ,, I only had one bum cheek .
    Anyway i recently had an operation to correct the problem. I can't thank the surgeons enough. They made a complete arse of it.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    When you see deaf couples holding hands, it may be a romantic moment, or perhaps they?re trying to shut each other up for a bit.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I'll never date a mime again, they're just too quiet in bed.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    What do you give a lemon when it gets hurt?

    Lemon Aid

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Quite frankly autocorrect, I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt

    Leave a comment:

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