Reply to: Don't want to marry but have kid on the way

[Platypus]

I have distinct feeling though if it wasn't for the kid on the way we would of split and to be honest I think its more a mater of time rather than if it happens. The marriage thing is coming from her and her family as there are religious.

^ In your own nutshell, this is why you should not get married.

Are you sure that she she didn't accidentally on-purpose get preggers to avoid the inevitable split (i.e. to trap you)?

[vetran]

Personally I was lucky and married then planned kids, though the third one's fascination with sleds & Triple Iron mans is a little worrying.

As soon as kids come along you are screwed financially if you want to leave unless very rich. This is as it should be but you need to realise it.

Anyway if you decide not to you will be in the majority. I do find however the unmarried single mothers tend to outnumber the divorced ones.

Under half of white British new mothers are married and 'cohabiting' | Daily Mail Online

[d000hg]

So you don't want to marry her but you do want rights to the kid? Or you want to be able to walk away entirely?

[MaryPoppins]

Poor kid.

[lukemg]

ok - personal experience. Hadn't been with the mum long, it was never going to work. Fair chance she wasn't distraught when it happened.
Lasted 18 months into young'uns life before we split properly but it was very tough most of that time.
Fair play to her, never stopped me seeing him (although threatened it many times) I had him every weekend for many years and things did settle down after a LONG time. Having said that it can still go 0-ballistic in 3 seconds and is always waiting there (not from me, as with most blokes just looking for life without constant stress).
Very hard at times, new relationships dificult too, missed a lot of stuff going on as had my son so they weren't important.
Got a new family now but always made it clear he was integral to that and now he is older and got much more going on he still comes to stay but not every week.
Can totally understand how some blokes lose touch, they can make it almost unbearable if you can't dig in and just take it.
For me it was totally worth it, I wouldn't ever bring a child into that situation but have dealt with it as best I can and the joy of having my son and spending time with him has eclipsed any of the grief and huge costs involved.
You will be coughing up for the kid (avoid CSA if poss)but forget handing half the house over, that ain't happening unless you are hitched.
It's going to be a mindf**k for years, you will find out a lot about yourself but if you focus solely on 'I want to see the kid, everything else is details' then you have half a chance....

[MrMarkyMark]

Did MFs wife few months ago. Takes 9 months for the fight to start. Have patience Mark

Ah, I see you are waiting for the money shot, I mean the nipper .

[FatLazyContractor]

When you on?

Did MFs wife few months ago. Takes 9 months for the fight to start. Have patience Mark

[MrMarkyMark]

Bench period lad ! Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

When you on?

[FatLazyContractor]

you had that bookmarked?

Bench period lad ! Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

[vetran]

OP - You need specialist help in this instance. May I suggest that you check this link and let us know what you think?

Truly HTH

you had that bookmarked?

[FatLazyContractor]

OP - You need specialist help in this instance. May I suggest that you check this link and let us know what you think?

Truly HTH

[SurfQueen]

Having been there as the mom, having a child is no reason to get married. My partner and I split up before the birth, so my son has never come from a "broken home" - his parents have always lived apart. He didn't have to go through the fighting and tension in the household and the feeling that he had to choose between his parents.

His Dad had him on weekends and paid child support etc, but that became less important to him after he married and had more kids. That hurt my son more than anything, so if you split up make sure that your child is ALWAYS your child even if you have more with someone else.

My son will be 23 next month and has turned out ok

[MrMarkyMark]

Common wisdom, but research (Wallerstein and others) suggests otherwise, so long as both parents can comport themselves in a civilised manner. Separation all to often means not seeing enough of one (or both) parent(s).

This.
I have known of this sort of situation a number of times. The parents live in the same house, but have not been together, in the true sense, for quite a while.

Usually its other people that do not understand how this works, rather than them.

[NotAllThere]

I don't see why your parents situation would mean you don't want to get married. Since they both did it three times, there must be some merit in it!

.. I have distinct feeling though if it wasn't for the kid on the way we would of split and to be honest I think its more a mater of time rather than if it happens...

In that case you would be a complete and utter moron to get married. I mean stupidity of a spectacular order - even more dumb than the use of "would of" instead of "would have" suggests.

...So tell her family you if you decide to propose it will be in your own good time as she would probably like to have a good few drinks of alcohol at her own wedding and not feel fat.

You would be marrying her, not her family. However, there are wedding dresses specifically designed for ladies who are up the duff. Not all pregnant ladies feel fat and ugly - even at the "beached whale" stage. Some are happy to flaunt it.

The real reason to get married is what would happen if one or both of you had a terrible accident, or died but the children were fine - inheritance laws are still archaic. The child(ren) would be entitled to your money but she would not be entitled to anything and she would have to go to court to ask for it. Also they would have to pay inheritance tax.

Additionally: if she was in a terrible accident, you would not be her next of kin, and vice-versa. If you were to want to emigrate together, then marriage makes that a whole lot easier in many cases.

...
Never stay together for the kids – you will both be miserable & the kids can tell, pay your maintenance, visit the kid often & be happy..

Common wisdom, but research (Wallerstein and others) suggests otherwise, so long as both parents can comport themselves in a civilised manner. Separation all to often means not seeing enough of one (or both) parent(s).

[Dallas]

If they are trying to influence you now .... Run