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    radge 1. v. To become furious; to lose your blob. 2. n. A furious episode. "This little bairn puked aall doon me goon an' I took a fu**in' radge." (Mother Theresa of Calcutta). 3. n. ~y. One who is pre-disposed to tekkin' radges. 4. adj. In a state of radge.

    rag week n. 1. A charity event during which students raise money for good causes. 2. The time of the month when the no bathing flags fly.

    ragman's coat n. Turkey's wattle (qv); raggy blart; a pound of liver; a club sandwich. An untidy vagina.

    raisin bag n. Nut sack (qv); John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.

    rake the cage out euph. To build a log cabin; give birth to a Richard (qv).

    ram-raiding on a scooter adj. Descriptive of ugly women. As in "She was a worthy womann, yette sore ugglie, wyth a face lyke shede been ramme-raidynge orn a scooter". (from 'The Miller's Tale', by Geoffrey Chaucer).

    ram shackled euph. To be engaged in the act of botting (qv).

    reach around n. In botting, pouring your partner a hand shandy (qv) whilst ram shackled.

    reading the paper v. To examine one's used toilet tissue to catch up on the latest news of your anal health.

    rear admiral n. A sailor who prefers to navigate the Windward passage (qv).

    rear gunner n. In aviation terms, a gunner who shoots one of his own aircraft by firing his lamb cannon (qv) into the bomb bay (qv).

    receiver of swollen goods n. Someone involved in a transaction with a botty burglar.

    rectal retort n. Fart.

    red wings n. The honour bestowed upon someone who consumes a haddock pastie (qv) during rag week (qv).

    release the chocolate hostage v. To liberate Richard the Third after his imprisonment in your backporch.

    rhino horn n. A well-matted tarantula among arse spiders (qv). Definitely not an aphrodisiac.

    rib cushions euph. Breasts.

    Richard n. rhym. slang. Turd. From Richard the Third. e.g. "I've just given birth to a ten pound Richard".

    ride the great white knuckler euph. To play rhythm on ones own pink oboe.

    ride the porcelain bus euph. An involved visit to the lavatory. For example, one which encompasses pebble dashing (qv).

    ride the waves euph. Shagging a generously proportioned lady friend. As in 'Slap the fat - ride the waves".

    ring n. Jacksie; anus; brown eye; chocolate starfish.

    ring master n. 1. The master of ceremonies at a circus. 2. A botter (qv).

    ring sting n. Inflammation of the ring (qv) as a result of pissing rusty water (qv) such as after visiting the Rupali restaurant in Newcastle and sampling the world's hottest curry.

    ripped out fireplace n. A much swept skin chimney (qv).

    ripped to the tits adj. A level of inebriation achieved using drink and drugs.

    road-kill n. A rather flat, dry, hedgehog (qv).

    rock poodle n. A heavy metallurgist, complete with long shaggy hair and puffed-up leather jacket, eg. Jon Bon Jovi.

    rocks 1. n. Masses of hard stony matter, esp. an extensive formation of such matter. 2. euph. Big hairy bollocks.

    Roger Ramjet n. Botter.

    rolling the dice v. Feeding the ducks; spanking the monkey. Wanking.

    roly-poly adj. Tabloid prefix for any celebrity who is more than half a stone overweight, eg. "Roly-poly funnyman Robbie Coltrane..."

    romp v. To chase a woman in a corset round and round a bedroom, lifting the knees very high, accompanied by 'BOING' noises when leaping onto the bed.

    Ronson rhym. slang Arse. From Ronson lighter - tuliper.

    root Aus v. To shag.

    rope the pony euph. To w@nk.

    rotoplooker (ro-to-ploo-ka) US n. Penis; chopper; whanger.

    roundhead n. A pink Darth Vadar (qv) after the surgical removal of his Kojak's roll-neck (qv); a yiddled whanger.

    round up the tadpoles euph. To w@nk; bash the bishop.

    Roy Castle's last blow euph. A whimpering, pathetic fart that sounds like it's feeling very sorry for itself.

    rub-a-tug shop n. Down market brothel; house of ill repute.

    rubber gash n. Sailor's favourite. A plastic fanny which the manufacturers claim is 'better than the real thing'. £8.99.

    rubber Johnny n. A blob; contraceptive. Also rubber.

    rubik's rhym. slang. Gorilla salad.

    rug munchers n. See fanny noshers.

    rump gully n. Viewed from Biffin bridge (qv), the gradually sloping valley beyond kak canyon.

    rumpy pumpy n. A polite term for sexual intercourse used by professional people, vicars etc.

    russet gusset n. Skidmarks (qv) or dangleberry (qv) smudging of the shreddies (qv).

    rusty sheriffs badge euph. Ride along Biffin bridge (qv) from John Wayne's hairy saddlebags (qv) and there it is, right in the middle of kak canyon. Just before rump gulley.

    rusty water See piss rusty water.
    I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground


      so that was good timing.


        saddle bags n. 1. Labia; piss flaps. 2. Scrotum. As in John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.

        salad dodger euph. A contumelious epithet for a fat bastard. One who at a buffet sidesteps the lettuce and celery and heads straight for the pork pies. "'Contrarywise,' continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be: but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.' 'That's not logic, that's bollocks, you salad dodger,' replied Alice." (from 'Through the Looking Glass', by Lewis Carroll).

        salami slapper n. One who tolls upon their own bell end (qv); a ******.

        salmon canyon n. The area beyond the beef curtains (qv); that boat crewed by the bald man (qv); fanny.

        satiscraptory adj. Descriptive of something of a poor, but adequate standard. eg. BBC local radio, McDonalds food.

        sausage jockey n. Anyone who sits on a sausage and bounces up and down. homophobic Botter.

        sausage sandwich n. A juicy salami slipped between two pink baps, the end result of which is a pearl necklace (qv).

        SBD abbr. Silent but deadly. A subtle release of pungent botty gas. Also silent but violent.

        scads n. Kicksies; dung hampers (qv), thunderbags. Underpants.

        scoobysnack n. Oral sex involving a dog and a very tall sandwich.

        scrubbing the cook euph. US. Bashing the bishop.

        scruff n. Pornography; muck. Also scruff-mag, scruffy literature. "Look what I've got," said William. breathlessly as he emptied the contents of his jumper at the Outlaws' feet. "It's a load of scruff. Jumble found it under a hedge." (from 'William's Milk Race', by Richmal Crompton).

        scrunt n. coll. Blart; flange; gusset. A group of attractive women. "Suddenly, at the age of 25, the Prince was cast as the world's most eligible bachelor. On a Royal tour of New Zealand in 1973, he found himself having to batter off top end scrunt with a tulipty stick." (from 'HRH. The Prince of Wales', by Jim-Bob Dimbleby).

        scuffer n. A cozzer; a rozzer, a tithead; a filth.

        scumbag n. The ultimate term of abuse known to Garry Bushell and other tabloid journalists.

        n. See scads.

        sea monster See swamp donkey.

        serpent socket euph. That hole with which the one eyed trouser snake (qv) connects.

        setting the video n. Sexual position in which the lady is on her knees and elbows, with her arse in the air, tutting.

        shaft 1. v. To shag; screw. 2. The penis. 3. The black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks.

        shag v. To have sex; to ****. n. A sexual encounter; a screw.

        shagability n. A measurement of how shaggable a person is.

        shaggable n. One who has a high degree of shagability.

        shagged out n. Exhausted; jiggered; buggered; ****ed.

        shake the lettuce euph. fem. Girly expression for having a piss.

        shaking hands with the unemployed euph. A wrestling bout between Hand Solo and the pink Darth Vadar; w@nking.

        shaking like a tulipting dog sim. A bad attack of the DT's after a night on the sauce.

        shampoo the rug euph. To lose one's population paste (qv) on a mapatasi (qv). Often when getting off at Edge Hill (qv).

        shave a horse euph. To have a piss; take a leak.

        shed n. A large, promiscuous woman; slag. Somewhere to stick your tools.

        Sheffield hammer n. A rolled-up newspaper, used to hammer nails into pieces of wood, which can be unrolled before the scuffers (qv) arrive.

        Sherman rhym. slang. Masturbate. Sherman tank - w@nk.

        shirt-fly n. A fart-sucker; a brown-noser; a penfold. A 'yes man'. One who is always up the gaffer's arse.

        shirt lifter See uphill gardener.

        tulip a brick 1. interj. Exclamation of surprise. 2. euph. To be scared. See tulip your pants.

        tuliper (shy-tuh) n. Arse; kak cannon. That which tulipes.

        tulipe house (shyt-howss) n. Outside lavatory.

        tulip faced n. Arseholed; intoxicated; drunk to excess. As in: 'I saw that Rory McGrath the other night. He was tulip faced".

        tulip locker n. Arse; bomb bay.

        tulip stabber n. Pork swordsman.

        tulipter n. 1. Anus; kakpipe. 2. Lavatory.

        tulip your pants v. To be scared; drop a brick; cake ones kecks.

        shoot bunnies posh euph. To fart; pass wind; blow off.

        shoot in your boot euph. To be excited. Of Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard said: "Jimi made my big toe shoot right up in my boot".

        shoot your load v.. To ejaculate; lose your mess; discharge the porridge gun (qv).

        shooting submarines v, To fart in the bathtub.

        shoulder boulders n. Large breasts; gazungas.

        shreddies n. Undercrackers; kecks; underpants; trolleys.

        Sigourney Weaver rhym. slang Beaver; Davey Crockett's hat.

        sing sweet violets euph. Airy alternative to building a log cabin (qv); to take a dump.

        siphon the python euph. Point Percy (qv) at the porcelain; have a piss.

        sixth gear n. W@nking, esp. in a parked car.

        sixty-eight n. Oral sex undertaken on the understanding that the favour will be returned. As in "'Ere, give us a sixty-eight and I'll owe you one."

        skid marks n. Severe russet gusset (qv); pebble dashing (qv) of the undercrackers.

        slap the monkey See bash the bishop.

        slash and burn v, To absolutely slaughter the toilet bowl. Often brought about by sudden relief of constipation.

        skin boat n. Penis. As in: "I'll take the old skin boat to tuna town". attr. Burgess Meredith.

        skin chimney n. A flue that requires regular sweeping with a womb broom. cf. ripped-out fireplace (qv).

        skin-clad tube n. A live sausage; a girlometer.

        skin flick n. Art house film; blue movie; mamba matinee.

        skin flute See fleshy flugelhom, bed flute.

        skipper n. A lady's clematis; a love button. From 'man in a boat'.

        skull buggery euph. Pugwash; salami sucking.

        slapper n. Slag; dirty woman. She who has been a round a bit.

        slappertite n. A hunger for loose women. 'Do you fancy a shag, Bill?' 'No thanks, Hillary, I don't want to ruin my slappertite.'

        slash n. A piss; wee wee.

        slash and burn n. 1. Deforestation technique. 2. A painful symptom of venereal disease.

        slime (ss-loym) Aus v. To ejaculate; chuck ones muck. As in: "Hev yer slimed yet Bruce?" "Will yer shat ap Sheila, ya puttin'me orf".

        sloppy seconds n. To be towards the back of a train (qv). See also stirring the porridge.

        slit n. Blit; fanny; vertical bacon sandwich.

        smoke the bald man euph. To light up a salami cigarette. Also smoke the white owl.

        smoo n. Austral. A sportsman's gap; a minge.

        snail's doorstep n. A clapping fish (qv) that is as wet as an otter's pocket (qv).
        I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground



          Like gobble.

          But not Goebbels.
          If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my fingers.



            snail trail n. Smoo (qv) juice in a lass's well-worn scuns (qv).

            snatch n. Quim; vagina.

            snatch mouse n. Tampon.

            snedge 1. n. Snow 2. euph. Jism.

            snowball v. To blow salami cigarette smoke back into the tobacconists mouth. Sort of thing.

            soapy tit w@nk n. Sausage sandwich (qv) served in the bath or shower.

            sock method v. To v. To v. To roll the dice (qv) into a sock in the absence of anything else to roll the dice into. See crunchie, spadger n. Spangle (qv)

            sour apple quickstep euph. Suffering from diarrhoea. As in: "Your wife is taking rather a long time in the powder room". "Yes, I'm afraid she's dancing the sour apple quickstep this evening". See also Tijuana cha-cha.

            space rocket n, When one defecates in a condom, leaves the product in the freezer overnight, and uses it the next day for sexual penetration of one's significant other.

            spadger Aus n. Vagina.

            spaff v. To spoff (qv) or spod (qv). "No, no, no, Gunter! Be professional. Spaff on the chest, not in the pussy." (from an unidentified porn film c. 1980).

            spam alley n. The ideal venue for spam javelin (qv) throwing.

            spam javelin n. Penis.

            spam sceptre euph. Penis; pork sword (qv); cock.

            spangle 1. n. A sticky, unpleasant mouthful that is most often spat out. 2. euph. Spunk.

            spanner n. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. A right ****wit.

            spasm chasm See spam alley.

            speak Welsh v. Blow chunks; shout soup. To yoff (qv).

            spend tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings euph. To pass loose stools; have diarrhoea.

            spice island euph. Stink-hole Bay; Dilberry Creek. A foul smelling archipelago favoured by sailors on their trips around the world. The arsehole.

            spider's legs n. Of muffs (qv) rogue pubic hairs which protrude beyond the the knicker line.

            spinning plates euph. An old fashioned novelty act in which the performer attempts to keep both of a lady volunteer's nipples erect at the same time.

            spit roast n. To be simultaneously skewered at both ends by pork swords (qv); a sausage jockey (qv) who plays a pink oboe (qv) whilst still in the saddle.

            splash-back guard euph. To fashion a 'toilet tissue hammock' by creating a layer of Andrex's finest arse-wipe tissue on the top of the water, thus protecting your sheriff's badge from the inevitable 'shloooooop' cold shot up the ring.

            splash me boots euph. To have a piss.

            splinge n. A particularly lubricious kipper mitten.

            split a kipper euph. male To have sex. As in "This lady appears to like me. With luck I may later have the opportunity to split a kipper".

            split the beard v. Part the whiskers.

            splurry n. See fizzy gravy.

            spoff, spod n. Spooge.

            sponge n. Of homosexual relationships, the submissive, feminine partner; the noshee as opposed to the nosher. Usually the thin one. See also stone.

            spooge US n. Semen.

            spooge stick n. Gut-stick. **** rod. The cock.

            spreadsheet n. Shiny, crinkly toilet paper found in public lavatories which only succeeds in smearing the tulip around your arse like a plasterer's float.

            sprogdrop n. Pregnancy. As in: "Congratulations. I hear your wife's suffering from sprogdrop".

            spunk n. 1. slang Semen. 2. Spirit; pluck. 3. Tinder made from fungus. 4. Aus. Good looking man; dish; hunk.

            spunk-drunk adj. Delirious nature brought on by over consumption of root beer

            spunk-bucket n, See Spunk Dustbin (below)

            spunk dustbin See bucket fanny, box of assorted creams (qv). Also spunk bucket.

            spurt your curd euph. Spread your spunk; infect others with your pluck and spirit.

            squid w@nk n. The kind of w@nk received from a lady inexperienced in the provision of wanks. Descriptive of the distinctive motion of the hand.

            squirrel covers n. A lady's dung hampers (qv).

            squirts n. The condition also known as the sour apple quick step. Also squitters, squite.

            starfish trooper n. An arsetronaut. As in "I lost my arse to a ~"

            steak drapes n. Gammon goalposts; beef curtains (qv).

            stealth moose n. See LRF.

            steg n. Woman resembling a ferocious, spiny, squat, prehistoric dinosaur, abbr. Stegosaurus. See also shed; swamp donkey.

            stench trench disaffictionate euph. Fanny.

            St. George v. To lance your old dragon from behind. A dog's marriage (qv).

            stickman n. A fanny-hopper (qv); a fanny rat.

            sticky belly flap cock n. A post w@nk condition suffered by bishop bashers (qv).

            stiff-lock n. A piss-proud (qv) cock.

            stiffy n. A bone on; erection.

            Stilton muffle n. Pungent and unwashed fish mitten (qv).

            stits n.Small tits.

            stirring the porridge euph. To have sloppy seconds; to dip into a box of assorted creams (qv).

            stoat n. Beaver; hairy clam.

            stone n. Of gay men and women, the opposite of a sponge (qv). The dominant partner. And usually no oil painting either.

            straightening your hat euph. Raking your kex out the crack of your arse.

            strain your greens euph. To have a piss.

            strangle Kojak euph. Male masturbation; peeling the carrot; stroking the wookie. See Kojaks roll-neck.

            strike up the colliery band v. To v. To v. To produce a protracted trouser cough of a particularly musical timbre.

            stringbean n. A long, thin, probably green penis.

            stripey laugh n. A parked tiger; a Welsh monologue.

            stroke mag n. Top shelf literature; art pamphlet; gentleman's interest magazine.

            stunt cock n. In a porno movie, when the leading thespian is unable to sustain wood or provide a money shot (qv); cue the stunt cock, a fat ugly cameraman with a raging boner on a hair trigger.

            swamp donkey n. A female bereft of physical beauty; tug boat; boiler; sea monster; steg.

            sweet tits n. Affectionate male term of endearment for females. "Good-night, good-night! Parting is such sweet sorrow / That I shall say good-night until it be morrow, sweet tits" (from 'Romeo and Juliet' by William Shakespeare).

            swiss adj. Completely useless. As in "I have just seen the new Star Wars film. The special effects are the pants, but the plot itself is ******* swiss." (Jean-luc Godard in 'Cahiers du Cinema').

            switch hitter US n. Bisexual; AC/DC; one who bends both ways. Deriv. baseball - the ability to bat with both hands.

            swope n. The hairstyle effected by balding men whereby strands of hair on one side of the head are grown long and swept over the dome, giving the impression of a full head of hair. eg. Robert Robinson, Desmond Morris, Bobby Charlton.

            sword swallower n. Sword as in the pork variety.
            I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground


              tackle See wedding tackle.

              tackleshack n. Underpants.

              tadger n. Penis.

              tadpole yoghurt euph. A dressing to accompany a sausage sandwich (qv).

              tagnuts n. Winnits; dangleberries; mince medallions.

              tail gunner See rear gunner.

              taint n. Niffkin's bridge (qv). "Tain't arse and 'tain't fanny".

              take a Chinese singing lesson euph. Have a piss.

              taking Captain Pickard to warp speed TV baldy / cock euph. Masturbation; strangling Kojak.

              tallywhacker n. jovial Penis; old man.

              Tardis fanny n. Deceptively spacious snatch (qv); bargain bucket (qv).

              tatty water (ta-tee-wa-ta) n. Spud juice; semen. Literally - potato water.

              taylforth 1. n. A disastrous blowjob in a car. 2. n. medic. A sudden attack of pancreatitis which can only be relieved by being sucked off in a layby.

              tea towel holder euph. Anus. From the 1950s plastic 'finger poke style' kitchen accessory.

              teabagging v. To make a strong brew with Fussells milk (qv) and two lumps. A last resort sexual practice whereby the man lowers his pods into the lady's mouth.

              teapot sucker n. A bottom-shelf drinker A teetotaller.

              technicolour yawn See pavement pizza.

              teggat n. A short-necked turtle's head which is unable to touch cloth, and retreats back into the bomb bay.

              tennis fan n. A woman who takes the other bus to Wimbledon.

              tenpin v. To place digits simultaneously in the tea towel holder (qv) and the fish mitten (qv). From ten pin bowling.

              thick repeater n. A large-bore semi-automatic, single barrel mutton musket.

              thrap v. To masturbate furiously; to give it six nowt on the Right Honourable member for Underpants.

              three legged beaver euph. Homosexual.

              throwabout n. A petite woman who can be easily and casually 'thrown about' from one position to another during sex.

              thruppeny bits rhym. slang Tits. abbr. thrups.

              throwing a Woodbine down Northumberland Street euph. Newcastle Unsatisfying sex with a bucket fannied (qv) individual. As in: "Why man, it was like throwin' a ******' Woodbine doon Northumberland Street". Also Leeds throwing a sausage up Briggate.

              thunder box n. archaic Lavatory; water closet.

              thunder mug n. Chamber pot.

              n. Women of ample proportions. Barge-arses (qv).

              Tijuana cha-cha n. Diarrhoea. See sour apple quickstep.

              tiffter n. An unwanted erection.

              tip your concrete v. A sophisticated term for ejaculation. "Letitia was powerless to resist. His eyes burned into hers like sapphires. His strong arms enfolded her tender body as she felt herself being swept away in a whirlwind of passion. Then he dropped his dung hampers and tipped his concrete." (from 'The Officer and the Lady', by Catherine Cookson).

              tit fairies n. The fictional visitors who magically transform the wife's fried eggs (qv) into TNTs (qv) during pregnancy.

              tit pants n. A bra.

              tit w@nk See soapy tit w@nk.

              TNTs abbr. Two nifty tits.

              tongue punchbag n. A clematis; a bald man in a boat.

              tonsil hockey n. Kissing. As in: "Fancy a game of tonsil hockey?"

              toosh n. Totty. From US tush v. meaning arse.

              toothless gibbon n. See clapping fish.

              top bollocks n. Breasts.

              topless hand shandy n. A service available from rub-a-tug shops (qv) for between £5 and £25.

              toss v. 1. To w@nk. 2. To flip pancakes during cooking.

              toss parlour See rub-a-tug shop.

              tossing the caber v. Having one off the wrist with a 16 foot long, splintery cock.

              tosspot n. A person held in low esteem; a fu**wit.

              totty n. chauvinistic Girls; fanny. As in: "Hey, this car's a fanny magnet (qv). Since I bought it I've had to beat off the totty with a tulipty stick".

              touching cloth n. The stage immediately after turtles head (qv) when the stool establishes contact with the undergarments. As in: "Is there a toilet anywhere round here mate? I'm touching cloth".

              tradesmen's entrance euph. Back passage.

              train See pull a train.

              traveller's marrow n. A large root vegetable unconsciously cultivated on buses, which usually ripens just before your stop. Travelfat.

              treading water v. Light strumming on the banjo in order to keep one's interest up during the dull plot bits in a grumbleflick (qv). To maintain a satiscraptory (qv) level of wood. 'You're under arrest, Mr. Sinstadt.' 'But officer, I wasn't w@nking, I was just treading water.'

              Trojan n. US. A war-like Greek contraceptive.

              Trojan arse n. A toilet-bowl invasion that takes you by surprise in the middle of the night, and sends you back to bed with a look of sleepy bemusement.

              trolleys n. n. n. Kecks; underpants.

              tromboning v. A thoroughly impractical sex act in which the woman (or gay man) rims a man's brass eye whilst simultaneously reaching round the front to give it some elbow on his horn, the action being akin to playing a trombone. Also known as a George Jism.

              trots See squirts.

              trouser cough n. Fart; botty burp.

              trouser department 1. n. Section of a department store dealing with men's legwear. 2. euph. Area of the body where middle age men experience problems.

              trouser Mauser n. A small rapid firing porridge gun (qv).

              trouser trumpet n. 1. A fart. 2. The anus.

              trumpeter's lips n. The involuntary pursing of the brass eye at moments of extreme fear. 'Any man who tells you he is not afraid to go into battle is either a fool or a liar. It is the fear that makes him fight. I personally had the trumpeter's lips throughout the North African campaign." (from 'The Memoirs of Field Marshal Montgomery').

              tubby chaser n. A man who thinks thunderbirds (qv) are GO! eg. Geoffrey 'The Great Soprendo' Durham. Also, a woman who prefers her beefcake to be a salad dodger (qv) eg. Victoria Wood.

              tubesteak n. A beef bayonet on the bone.

              tug boat n. A woman of plain appearance and a compact, muscular build; swamp donkey (qv).

              tummy truncheon n. Sixth gear stick; porridge gun; penis.

              tuna taco n. A hot dish, not requiring cutlery, served when dining at the Y If eaten with a side order of cranberry dip, could lead to a pasata grin (qv).

              tuna town n. Female genitalia. See also skin boat.

              tuppence licker n. Lesbian.

              turkey n. The cracker you think you've pulled whilst drunk at the office Christmas party who turns out to be a rough old bird who only gets stuffed once a year.

              turkey's wattle n. A ragman's coat.

              turning Japanese euph. W@nking. See also grin like a wanking Jap.

              turtle's head n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the chocolate starfish (qv); the point at which contracts are exchanged for the building of a log cabin (qv). See also touching cloth.

              turps-nudger n. A top shelf drinker "Have you seen that bloke who reads the news on Tyne Tees? Jesus, what a ******* turps nudger."

              turtle's breath n. The very final warning fart before the turtle pokes its head out to autograph the gusset (qv).

              twat n. 1. A stupid person. 2. A minge.

              twat burglar n. A man, presumably wearing a mask and stripy jersey, who steals another bloke's missus.

              Twin Peaks 1. n. prop. At experimental television series of the early 1990's created by David Lynch. 2. n. Tits like Audrey's in the series.

              two bagger n. Someone so ugly that two bags are required it order to go quimwedging (qv) with them - one over their head and one over yours, just in case theirs falls off.

              two puppies fighting in a bag euph. Large, mobile and unrestrained breasts.

              two up n. Two up.

              Twix lips n. A front bottom (qv) version of hungry arse (qv). See also camel's foot.

              Tyne bridge n. Descriptive of the position adopted by a dog trying to lay a particularly tenacious egg.
              I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground


                Every time I go outside it starts pissing down and when I get back in the sun comes out.

                I want someone to sue.


                  Pink Floyd To Tour Working Men's Clubs

                  Rock legends Pink Floyd are set to go on the road in August, taking in three hundred working men's clubs over 150 days.

                  The grinding schedule, organised by impresario to the stars Raymondo Wallaby, kicks off at the Billingham Constitutional Workingmen's Bingo, Darts, Snooker, Pool, Fighting And Saying "You Can't Sit There, I've Had That Seat Ever Since I Started Coming Here" Club on the 27th, and finishes on Christmas Eve at Byker Deranged Affiliates.

                  Bass guitarist and composer Roger Waters said "Floyd are ready to get back to their roots. Where better to do just that than in the northern clubs? We intend to perform 'Dark Side Of The Moon' in its entirety - with a break for the bingo and the meat draw - followed by 'The Wall', complete with lasers, helicopters, the RAF and Luftwaffe. I do realise that some members might not warm to the thought of their club being taken over, especially by the once-thought-invincible German air force and their brutally clinical - yet still human - pilots, so we're giving away three pint tokens with every ticket. And the flyer's been doubled".

                  In keeping with the spirit of northern variety, Floyd will be taking along ventiloquist Dee-Dee Dixon (And Rusty), mime act 'Les Trois Incomprehensibles' and a 93-year-old lunatic with a harmonica.

                  All profits from the series of gigs will be divided equally between the Live Aid Trust and the Concert Secretaries' Benevolent Fund. There will be no smoking in the lounge and overalls must be disinfected at the door, by order of the Committee.
                  I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground


                    London Bomb Does Not Explode - Heard Miles Away

                    Police were called at 2am after a bomb in London did not explode and was heard many, many miles away in Manchester. Scotland Yard said detectives were investigating how the bomb came to be heard so many miles away when it never even exploded.

                    New Home Secretary Jacqui Smith chaired a meeting of the Government's extra urgent emergency committee this morning, and briefed Prime Minister Gordon Brown and the Cabinet on how the bomb came to be heard so many miles away when it never even exploded.

                    The whole of London has been cordoned off as well as side streets leading to it in case the bomb does not explode again.

                    Jack Straw, who was appointed Justice Secretary in new PM Gordon Brown's Cabinet reshuffle yesterday, said ministers had heard the bomb not go off "much earlier this morning".

                    He added: "Of course the police will try to ensure there is as little disruption as possible. But everyone understands the key priority is safety."

                    A source said: "The indications that we have so far are that it did not explode."

                    People in Manchester were said to be appalled and devastated by the noise coming from London.

                    Coronation Street resident Mrs. Elsie Picket:

                    "It is lucky the bomb did not go off anywhere else, or we'd never have heard anything about it."
                    I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground


                      Rumors of Christ's "Second Coming" Premature

                      Virginia Beach, VA, 6/29/07, Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN): A Studio executive said the Very Reverend Pat Robertson, the founder of the network, was bitterly disappointed in his most recent conversation with God. "Jerry is in day to day contact with God Almighty, as you well know." said Mincely Sucklegooder, the network's press agent. "And he was devastated to learn Christ's second Coming will not happen next week as he expected, and may be delayed indefinitely."

                      "Reverend Robertson was fervently happy in his belief that the Second Coming was very imminent, and likely to occur early next week. He has been getting his affairs in order and preparing his family for instant transmutation to Heaven." said Sucklegooder. "He understood God to say that the Second Coming was near, and could happen at any time. Now his faith is utterly and completely crushed."

                      "Jerry was so looking forward to seeing all the queers, liberals, feminists, democrats, socialists, Muslims, abortionists, Hindus, and all others he disagrees with cast screaming into the Fires of Hell. He was especially happy about Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez's eternal damnation, and now this! I just don't know if he is going to get over this at all. He's beginning to feel that God has let him down and is severely testing his faith."

                      Sucklegooder said that Robertson was acutely hurt after all his hard work steering hurricanes away from the east coast, and curing AIDS with prayer and all the other good deeds he credits himself with. "In fact, Jerry considers himself almost on a level with Christ himself, so God's latest news has cut him to the quick, especially since he believes God was pretty flip about it all."

                      "Jerry says when he asked God for clarification on the exact date of Christ's Second Coming, God's answer was, and I quote, 'Second coming? Why Jerry I don't know. He's hardly even breathing hard yet.'!"
                      I don't know my arse from an hole in the ground