Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

'...Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school.
Or does that make me a bad teacher?'

[vetran]

I tried keeping a bucket next to the bed because I always need a piss in the night.

My wife won't allow it though, she says it goes beyond the pail.

[vetran]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar...
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

"push off, " said the bababa bababarman.

[vetran]

Spider-Man, for those of you who haven’t seen it, here is a brief plot summary.

A teenage boy gets bitten by a spider.
When awakens next day he realise his body has undergone several changes.
His body strength has increased significantly, particularly his arms which allow him to grip any surface.

Also, he can now shoot white smelly sticky stuff out of his body.

[vetran]

Have you noticed whenever a kid gets shot in a drive by, he is reported in the press as being a "promising footballer".

So can gangland killers do Southgate a favour and ask what position they play in first?

We have a shortage decent keepers but loads of quality right backs.

[vetran]

What do you call one of our ancestors who wavers home drunk?

Meanderthal

[vetran]

After 2 days in Middlesbrough, the Romanian national team has been spotted crammed into a dinghy, trying to get to Syria.

[vetran]

Word of the Day: 'Exhaustipated' (adj.): Too tired to give a tulip.

[vetran]

My new neighbour told me that he was a welder however I have since discovered he is in fact a fabricator welder.

The lying barsteward!

[vetran]

On the motorway If the variable speed limit says 50 miles an hour through roadworks and you are stationary for an hour when the road clears can you then floor it and do say 150 miles per hour + as your average speed would be still 0?

Asking for an Audi driving friend.