Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Yesterday I bought 3 ounces of weed off my local dealer and it cost me £300.


Unfortunately the police raided my house and seized the lot ...
Later I was charged with possession of cannabis with an estimated street value of over £2000.
When they asked if I wanted to make a phone call I said I'd like to ring my drug dealer to congratulate him on his superb bargain prices.

[vetran]

My pet goldfish has epilepsy


He seems to get better when I put him back in his bowl, though.

[vetran]

As I lay in bed with my girlfriend I could tell she was worried her recent cough could be Covid. I grabbed her head thrust it under the covers and let out a massive fart, after I few seconds of struggling she reappeared:
‘What the **** was that?’ She said.
‘Could you smell it?’ I asked.
‘Smell it? I could bloody taste it!’ She raged.
‘Negative test, your welcome’ I said

[vetran]

for AtW

The salesman said, "This sofa will seat five people without any problems."


"**** that," I thought, "where am I supposed to find five people without any problems."

[NotAllThere]

I once almost choked to death while eating food. I did my own research and discovered that I am not alone. Thousands of people choke every year while eating, and hundreds of those people die. That's why I don't feed my kids. It's dangerous. Now plenty of people will point out that food supposedly "prevents starvation," and that might be true, but it's not fair to completely ignore all of the dangers food poses, like choking, allergies, gingivitis, and garlic breath. I'm just saying, do your own research and decide what you think is best for your kids. If you choose to give your kids potentially deadly food, that's your problem, but as a parent, I don't think the government has any right to tell me that I need to feed my kids.

[vetran]

I too am worried about lettuce shortage from Europe, I wish I'd voted Romaine.

[vetran]

A study has found that people who order black coffee are more likely to be psychopaths.


And people who order non fat, vanilla soy, extra foam with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

[NotAllThere]

I too am worried about lettuce shortage from Europe, I wish I'd voted Romaine.

- so why didn't you?
- cos.

[ladymuck]

Popped into the veg shop and was shocked at the price of some of the produce. Picking one item up, I exclaimed, "£5 for this? That's daylight robbery!" The greengrocer said, "well it is a little gem"

[vetran]

Get Aldi checkout staff to distribute the vaccine.. We'll all be done by 3rd January