Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Just had a train run over my feet.
probably my own fault for wearing platforms.

[vetran]

I’ve given up on dealing coke.
Tired of people sticking their noses in my business.

[vetran]

Ray Clemence going was a surprise..
I thought he was a keeper .

[vetran]

Track and a Trace having successfully found the PM have admitted they passed the information on to the Child Support Agency as part of inter-agency co-operation.


The Child. Support Agency will now know where Boris is for the next few days

[vetran]

ouch really bad.

Bumped into an old Aussie mate the other day and he looked upset.
"You alright mate?"
"No cobber" he sobbed.."my best mate Mekang died, he was a Goose Farmer from Thailand."
"Is he the one that produced the feathers for quilts?" I asked.
"Yes" he replied.."Thai Mekang grew down Sport."

[vetran]

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine.


"Yes, oh yes," she smiled.


"Great," I said, "now take this pick and go find me some gold."

[vetran]

9th November: Pfizer & BioNTech announce a vaccine that is 90% effective but has to be stored at in an industrial freezer.


16th November: Moderna announces a vaccine that is 95% effective that can be stored in a fridge.


23th November: Trump and Domestos announce a vaccine that is 99% effective and can be kept under the sink.

[vetran]

My mate asked me how many people I've slept with.


"2," I replied. "A Swedish girl and a 6 year-old boy."


He said, "I never knew you went to Sweden."


"I did," I replied, "Are you not shocked that I shagged a 6 year-old boy?"


He said, "No Father John, I'm not."

[vetran]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said,
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
"What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know tulip?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

[vetran]

"Two minutes and then you come," she complained.


"It was doggy style," I said, "that's fourteen minutes."