Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

Me: I've lost the dictionary


Her: Can you look upstairs?


Me: I can't look up anything

[WTFH]

One for Brillo:

50% of all marriages end in divorce which sounds really bad until you realize the other 50% end in death.

[NotAllThere]

Surgeon: Relax Dave, this is straightforward easy surgery.

Patient: But I'm not Dave!

Surgeon: I know. I am

[Blert596]

My wife came into the bedroom absolutely starkers after her shower.

She said to me, “Babe, shut the curtains, I don’t want the neighbours to see me naked.”

“Don’t worry” I said. “If the neighbours see you naked, they’ll shut their own f**king curtains!”

[BrilloPad]

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

[WTFH]

Breaking up with an optician is really difficult. Every time I said “I can’t see you any more”, she moved an inch closer and said “what about now?”

[BR14]

Hey guys!

I'm in the hospital, but I'm ok. I just wanted to let everyone know that the Dyson ball cleaner is a very misleading name.

[WTFH]

Clöwnš to the left of me,
Jökérš to the right.
Here I am, stuck in IKEA with you.

[Blert596]

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

[WTFH]

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN, they get very annoyed.