Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

For NLYUK

A prostitute goes into the clinic for a smear test.
The doctor says " When did you last have a check up"?
The prostitute replied
" I haven't, just two Poles and a Hungarian recently"

[vetran]

Could have been written for CUK.

An Italian,a Frenchman and a Barnsley miner were talking at the bar.
The Italian says " Si when I make a love to ma girl she a floats a ten inches above the bed with a pleasure"
The Frenchman then says " Oui, when I make ze love to moi cherie she floats ze eighteen inches above ze bed with pleasure"
The Barnsley miner says " Thats nowt, when av dun mi shift dahn t'pit, am straight t'pub, ah sup a gallon of ale then gerroo-am and give ar lass a reight good fookin, and when I wipe mi cock on t'curtains she hits t'fookin roof"

[vetran]

Me and the missus went to a wife swapping party the other evening

I got a ******* socket set for her!

[vetran]

For WTFH - cautionary tale

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

[vetran]

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other ...

[vetran]

I ate 4 tins of alphabet soup........

........ and had the largest vowel movement ever.

[vetran]

Bit of Racism

How do you start a teddy bear race?

Get one pregnant

[vetran]

one for the bremainers

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning

[vetran]

My wife and I are a fastidious couple.

I am fast and she is hideous.

[vetran]

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian"

Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke