Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Cute kittens

I've always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, 'It's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.' I wouldn't go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners

[vetran]

I am not getting the hang of the internet.
The other day I ordered a 42 inch TV and the next day who should knock on my door. A dwarf transvestite

[vetran]

how many tourette sufferer's does it take to change a suck this you twunt.

[vetran]

The other day at home my 8 year son came running in from school all excited

“Dad! Dad!” he shouted “I’ve just been picked for a major part in the school play”

“Really Son?” I said “ That’s brilliant, what’s it about”

“Well Dad, It’s all about family life and I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married for 25 years”

“Never mind Son” I said “Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part!”

[WTFH]

Just been to Tesco where I swapped 500g of raisins for 750g of sultanas.

I can't believe the currant exchange rate.

[WTFH]

If an angel statue is removed from a fountain, does that make it a sans seraph font?

[vetran]

The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants'
and are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose-lifestyle
people. In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California,
they are 'Marin County' jokes, and so on. Some of these jokes are also
told as 'Jewish American Princess' jokes.

WARNING: This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be
offensive to members of the following groups:
Californians Oregonians New Yorkers Jersey-ans
Politicians Communists Pro-lifers Feminists
Parents Babies Students Frat rats
Economists Soldiers WASPs Animals
Athletes Artists Professors Psychiatrists
Doctors Lawyers Accountants Managers
Christians Jews Buddhists Gods
Polish people Russians <ethnics> Homosexuals
Hardware people Tech Writers Marketing people Software people
Necrophiliacs FSEs

and by now many others who are no doubt offended to have been left off
this list. The last time I looked there were 139 jokes in this file.

*The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes*


Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to
the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' ******' business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A'': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a
feature.

Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)

Note: FSE's are "Field Service Engineers."

Q': How long will it take?
A': That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.

Q'': What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A'': They replace your fuse box.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.

[WTFH]

How many contractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


None.


Contractors screw in hotel saunas

[BrilloPad]

How many contractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


None.


Contractors screw in hotel saunas

Not in first class jets?

[WTFH]

CHANGING A DUVET COVER 101

Step:27
Try not to panic; you can survive inside a duvet cover for 3 days. Focus on slowing down your breathing.