Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Have you found a backup of Sickipedia from 2008 or something?

The pepipoo humour posts.

some are actually quite good.

[vetran]

I bumped into an old friend the other day who I hadn't seen for years.'Hello John' I said, 'What you doing these days?'
'I prepare meals for the homeless, down & outs, piss heads & druggies' he replied.
'Oh so you work at one of these charity drop-in centres' I said,
'No no' he replied, 'I'm a chef at wetherspoons'

[vetran]

Suity goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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Suity spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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Suity shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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Suity was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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Suity's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.

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Suity is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Suity replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

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(This one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde
man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

[vetran]

For Brillo (allegedly)

I hear Pfizer have introduced a new pill called the Viagra 007. It doesn't make you harder, but makes you Roger Moore.

[vetran]

I hear nuaghty naughty Chris Huhne actually nominated Aston Villa as the driver as they needed the points.

[vetran]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and
forth, back and forth........ in and out...in and out.


Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.................


"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

[vetran]

For Pogle

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

[LondonManc]

Esmeralda shouts to Quasimodo, "honey, have you seen the wok?"
"No love. Is it Chinese for tea?" he replies.
"No darling, I'm just about to iron your shirts."

[LondonManc]

I'm not saying that I think the wife's cheating on me, but we've moved 50 miles and have still got the same bloody milkman.

[vetran]

For our Divorcees

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death,you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay