Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I thought she was going to ask which sized strap-on you preferred.

the 14 inch black intruder for Mrs V, it gives her a rest from my larger weapon.

[vetran]

1. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

2. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.

3. A SEO couple had twins. For the first time they were happy with duplicate content.

4. Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC

5. Why do they call it hyper text?
Too much JAVA.

6. Why was the JavaScript developer sad?
Because he didn't Node how to Express himself

7. In order to understand recursion you must first understand recursion.

8. Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they can't C#

9. What do you call 8 hobbits?
A hobbyte

10. Why did the developer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache

11. Why did the geek add body { padding-top: 1000px; } to his Facebook profile?
He wanted to keep a low profile.

12. An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

13. I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

14. 8 bytes walk into a bar, the bartenders asks "What will it be?"
One of them says, "Make us a double."

15. Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?"
The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."

16. These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

17. "Knock, knock. Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

18. If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.

19. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

20. There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

[WTFH]

So, the American Bible Belt States - those full of Republican right wing nut jobs - are very active this month protesting about middle-eastern refugee families, how they need to be turned away and not allowed to flee the persecution they are suffering.
Next month they will be attending events regarding a middle-eastern family who fled persecution and who (they claim) they have welcomed into their hearts.

[SimonMac]

1. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

2. How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

3. Whats long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber

4. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

5.Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep sh*t.

8. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

9. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

10. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

11. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal

12. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man

13. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

14. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

15. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

16. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the sh*t out of you.

17. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Because they’re used to eating nuts.

18.Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks today.

19. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

20. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her.

21. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!


22. Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year.

23. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

24. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologise and wipe it off.

25. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

[WTFH]

As I was putting the garden
furniture back into storage for the winter, I turned to the Mrs and said:

"I don't know why I bother getting this out. You never sit on it"

She said, "Put your cock away and get that bench in the garage"

[northernladuk]

As I was putting the garden
furniture back into storage for the winter, I turned to the Mrs and said:

"I don't know why I bother getting this out. You never sit on it"

She said, "Put your cock away and get that bench in the garage"

I don't get it.

[BrilloPad]

I don't get it.

NLYUK does.

I would comment further but this is LR.....

[WTFH]

I went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"

I slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

[WTFH]

Mummy mummy, can I lick the bowl?

No, flush it like everyone else.

[WTFH]

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