Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

For Minestrone

I've started dating a plain looking female surgeon.

But she scrubs up well.

[vetran]

How many political leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to promise to change it if voted back in.
One to blame the need to change on the previous government, despite not changing it in 5 years.
One to say they would change it if they had more power in this coalition.
One to say it's dark because immigrants failed to change it.
One to say they're not changing an English bulb.
One to refuse to change it because the spare bulb isn't eco-friendly.
One to wonder what this indoor sun thing is.

[vetran]

I got a death threat from my wife today.

She said, "I'll cook dinner tonight."

[flamel]

wife

Washing
Ironing
F**king
Etc

[flamel]

Who loves you more?
Put your dog and your girlfriend in the boot of your car for an hour and then see who is happy to see you

[vetran]

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently "in HD" was not the right answer.

[vetran]

So it's alright for girls to stick their lips in shot glasses to make them bigger, but I stick my nob in a Hoover for the same reason and Homebase have me arrested.

[vetran]

It's Parkinson's Awareness Week and already I've learned a lot about people suffering from this disease.

Like, if one stands next to you at the urinal, move away.

[vetran]

Diane Abbott at a Lewisham school sports day: "Remember kids, it's not about winning, it's about taking stuff from those that do win."

[flamel]

Nicola Sturgeon is on a pre-election tour of Perthshire in her First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow steps out into the road. The car hits it full on and judders to a halt.
Nicola, in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur:
"You were driving so you must get out and check the damage."
The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports back that the car is OK but the animal is dead.
"You were driving, so you must go and tell the farmer," says Nicola. "It would be political suicide if I got the blame for this."
The chauffeur walks up to the farmhouse and returns two hours later, rolling drunk, with a big grin on his face.
"What happened to you?" Nicola demands impatiently.
The chauffeur replies: "When I told him what had happened, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife cooked me a delicious meal and their daughter offered to sleep with me!"
"Why?" demands Nicola.

"I really don't know," says the chauffeur. "All I did was knock on the door and tell them I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."