An employee turns up for his firt day at work. The boss hands him a broom. The employee says "But I am a graduate". The Boss says "Oh sorry. I will show you how to use it".
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My Mrs told me she wanted me to buy some of those tablets that help you get an erection.
She wasn't pleased when she found I'd bought her a box of diet pills..........When freedom comes along, don't PISH in the water supply.....Comment
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My Mrs said "Here's £50. Go and buy something that will make me look sexy"
She was gutted when I came home with a crate of stella and a bottle of scotch.“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”Comment
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Religion
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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a few puns
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.Comment
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A Jesuit and a Franciscan were travelling together on a train.
The Jesuit produces a fine cake and cuts it in two, one piece rather larger than the other, then takes the larger piece for himself and offers the smaller piece to the Franciscan. “You’ve taken the larger piece”, protests the Franciscan.
“Which bit would you have taken?” asks the Jesuit. “I would have taken the smaller piece,” replies the Franciscan. “Well,” says the Jesuit, “you’ve got it.”Comment
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A programmer falls into the river and starts shouting:
F1! F1! Please F1!
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An eskimo takes his car to a garage. The mechanic says "looks like you have blown a seal". The eskimo says "no I haven't. Its just frost on my top lip.Comment
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What do you get if you cross a playground with a bag of sweets.
Arrested.Originally posted by Stevie Wonder BoyComment
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Found this funny:
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