Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9.. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck ; ;

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favoriteone :

13. Potential Murder Suspect

[BrilloPad]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'





Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f**king bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[voodooflux]

Tesco

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

[Swiss Tony]

The Government today announced that it is changing it's symbol to a condom because it reflects its own political stance more accurately. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr*cks and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed.

[barry_abs]

HILARITY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvZ8GMEgjZk

[sal626]

An old man walks up to the White House and says to the marine guard at the gate: "I would like to see President Bush."

The marine explains that George Bush is no longer in residence as he is not the president any more. Next day, the man returns and makes the same request.
Patiently, the marine repeats his earlier answer. When the guy comes back the third day and asks to see Bush again, the marine is a bit exasperated:

"Sir," he says. "Don't you understand that George Bush is no longer president, and therefore does not live in the White House now?"
The man replies: "Oh, I understand, all right. It's just that I love the sound of those words."
The marine snaps off a smart salute and replies: "See you tomorrow, sir!"

[EternalOptimist]

A drunk staggers into the chippy , throws up on the floor and asks the guy behind the counter for 'Star wars episode 4'
The guy looks at the puke, he's got to clean it up , and says 'Blockbusters is next door , you twat'
drunk guy staggers out

Next night, the same thing happens, the drunk staggers in, throws up and asks for 'independance day'
'Blockbusters is next door , you twat'
drunk guy staggers out

Next night the chippy guy is waiting by the door. The drunk rolls up and the guy says 'Blockbusters is next door , you twat'
'No no, a portion of chips please'
so the guy lets him in. The drunk throws up all over his back
'and a fish called Wanda'

[Pondlife]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

[EternalOptimist]

The police pick up 11 year old Jimmy, walking the streets at 2 a.m.

'What are you doing , out at this time of night'
'Looking for a prostitute'
'And what are you going to do with a prostitute'
'I'm going to catch a dose of pox'
'Why ?'
'When I next sh@g my nanny, she'll catch it'
'WHAT'
'Then when she sh@gs the chauffer, he'll catch it'
'He will give it to my mother'
'Then dad will catch it.'
'He sh@gs the cook three times a week so she will catch it'
'Then she will give it to the gardener'


'And why do you want all this to happen ?'

'That b@stard gardener. He kicked my tortoise'

[BrilloPad]

Three guys are talking about their forthcoming dates with three nice young ladies and discussing how they will tell them when they need to go to the loo.
Michael says he’ll tell his date: ‘Just a minute please, I have to go for a pee.’
Bill says he’ll announce: ‘I’m very sorry, but I need to go to the bathroom.’
Edward thinks for a moment, then says he’ll inform his date: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a minute? I have to shake hands with a dear friend of mine I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’