Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Before you read on, you may be interested to know that this was voted the UK's favourite joke:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

[Janner]

Missing Plumber

A new plumber started work on a building site. At lunchtime one of the builders noticed that he was missing and went looking for him. Finally he found him in a shed having sex with a dog. Feeling disgusted the builder reported the plumber to the site foreman. The foreman said "Don't worry he's Corgi registered".

[BrilloPad]

Two businessmen are leaving the office. 'I can't wait to get home,' one of them says 'As soon as I walk through the door, I'm going to rip my wife's pants right off'. 'I know the feeling,' the other guy grins. 'No, I'm serious,' the first insists. 'They're killing me.'

[BrilloPad]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet so his owner puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later, when the owner opens the freezer, he finds the parrot dripping in sweat. 'How come you're sweating after all this time in the freezer?' he asks.

The parrot replies: 'Do you know how hard it is to make love to a frozen chicken?'

[BrilloPad]

How do you fix a woman's watch?


No need. There's a clock on the oven.

[EternalOptimist]

A travelling salesman finds himself having to stay overnight in small village. Its not quite the usual scene he's used to so he settles down to a quiet night in the village pub. There is zero talent about and even the bar is run by a guy. After two hours of total boredom, a girl wheels herself in to the bar and the barman says 'usual Mavis?'
'ga ga, dur dur dur' . This poor girl obviously has problems.
After another couple of pints the salesman decides enough is enough so gets up to leave. The girl in the wheelchair, wheels up to him and says 'gur gur dah da burble'
'I thinks she needs help getting home' says the barman.
So the salesman finds himself wheeling the girl home past the cemetary. 'Ah wtf, he thinks, who is going to know'
so he reaches down and starts to wobble her boobies. She doesnt seem to mind too much, so he hoiks her out of the wheelchair, hangs her up on the cemetary railings, pulls her drawers down and gives her one.
Afterwards he feels like a complete @rsehole, total remorse sets in. So he delivers the girl to her father then says, 'look mate I have to talk to you.'
So he explains to dad what a low life he is and what he has done to the daughter.
'Oh dont worry about it mate, you're a good sort, usually the b@stards leave her hanging there all night'

[BrilloPad]

Homer to Bart, on losing Santa's Little Helper:
"Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back... unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog."

[BrilloPad]

It's a stockbroker's first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate, when he notices how scared the stockbroker looks.
"I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."
"Oh, really?" says the stockbroker, sighing with relief.
"Yes," says the cellmate, "I killed a vicar."

[EternalOptimist]

It's a stockbroker's first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate, when he notices how scared the stockbroker looks.
"I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."
"Oh, really?" says the stockbroker, sighing with relief.
"Yes," says the cellmate, "I killed a vicar."

no no no

oh my God NO

no,no,no

nooooooooooooooooo
its a prison
its a stockbroker
its a joke

so therefore

It's a stockbroker's first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate, when he notices how scared the stockbroker looks.
"I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."
"Oh, really?" says the stockbroker, sighing with relief.
"Yes," says the cellmate, "I sh@gged a vicar to death."

[BrilloPad]

no no no

oh my God NO

no,no,no

nooooooooooooooooo
its a prison
its a stockbroker
its a joke

so therefore

It's a stockbroker's first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate, when he notices how scared the stockbroker looks.
"I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."
"Oh, really?" says the stockbroker, sighing with relief.
"Yes," says the cellmate, "I sh@gged a vicar to death."