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Please put more jokes here

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    Yes because they amuse me! Make my day a little bit more bearable! xx

    Comment


      Originally posted by Katie View Post
      Yes because they amuse me! Make my day a little bit more bearable! xx
      why thank you kind Madam

      Comment


        Originally posted by Pondlife View Post
        Congrats. A quality effort sir.

        I agree, Congratulations Brillo.....brightened many a dull day!
        It's Deja-vu all over again!

        Comment


          Originally posted by KathyWoolfe View Post
          I agree, Congratulations Brillo.....brightened many a dull day!
          thank you kind madam

          Comment


            Yep, well done BP, sterling service, there've been a more than a few corkers in that lot. Thanks.

            The vegetarian option.

            Comment


              Originally posted by wobbegong View Post
              Yep, well done BP, sterling service, there've been a more than a few corkers in that lot. Thanks.

              thank you kind Sir

              <bows>

              Comment


                When our lawn mower broke down, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the car, fishing, golf - always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again and handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will probably walk again, but I will always have a limp.....

                Comment


                  Why We Love Children

                  1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
                  was dead.
                  'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
                  'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
                  innocently.
                  'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
                  'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
                  didn't move'

                  2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

                  Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
                  'What?'
                  'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
                  'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
                  Five minutes later: 'D a-aaaad.....'
                  'WHAT?'
                  'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
                  ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
                  Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
                  'WHAT!'
                  'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

                  3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
                  finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
                  The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
                  and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
                  sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

                  4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
                  tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
                  asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
                  tonight?'
                  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
                  'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
                  A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
                  'The big sissy.'

                  5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
                  children's sermon.
                  All the children were invited to come forward.
                  One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
                  down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
                  Is it your Easter Dress?'
                  The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
                  microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

                  6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
                  old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
                  shower.
                  She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
                  I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
                  tummy.'
                  'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

                  7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

                  He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
                  Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
                  His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
                  The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
                  'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
                  'Yes,' he answered.
                  Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
                  teaching my son in math?'
                  The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
                  The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
                  son of a bitch is four?'
                  After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
                  was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

                  8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
                  Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
                  Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
                  went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
                  falling!'
                  The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
                  farmer said?'
                  One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
                  'Holy tulip! A talking chicken!''
                  The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

                  9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
                  Sugarbrown's daughter.'
                  Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
                  Sugarbrown.'
                  The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
                  Sugarbrown's daughter?'
                  She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

                  10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
                  with the boys?'
                  Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
                  The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can

                  find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

                  11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
                  She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
                  eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
                  'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
                  She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

                  Comment


                    There were two nuns..

                    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

                    and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

                    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

                    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
                    the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

                    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

                    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
                    at the most! What can we do?

                    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

                    SM: It's not working.

                    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
                    logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

                    SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

                    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

                    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



                    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
                    worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

                    Then Sister Logical arrives.

                    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
                    Tell me what happened!

                    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

                    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

                    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
                    as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

                    SM: And?

                    SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

                    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

                    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

                    SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

                    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


                    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

                    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

                    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

                    Say two Hail Marys!
                    "Wait, I still function!"

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by Swiss Tony View Post
                      There were two nuns..

                      One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

                      and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

                      It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

                      SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
                      the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

                      SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

                      SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
                      at the most! What can we do?

                      SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

                      SM: It's not working.

                      SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
                      logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

                      SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

                      SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

                      So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



                      Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
                      worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

                      Then Sister Logical arrives.

                      SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
                      Tell me what happened!

                      SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

                      SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

                      SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
                      as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

                      SM: And?

                      SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

                      SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

                      SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

                      SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

                      SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


                      SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

                      SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

                      And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

                      Say two Hail Marys!
                      Hail Mary Hail Mary

                      Comment

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