Please put more jokes here

[Old Greg]

Why does divorce cost so much money?

Because it's worth it.

[The Lone Gunman]

I did a search for "two parrots" and nothing cam up so I wnet ahead and posted.

Oh well: AAAwwwkkkk pieces of seven, pieces of seven (again).

[TheFaQQer]

I did a search for "two parrots" and nothing cam up so I wnet ahead and posted.

Oh well: AAAwwwkkkk pieces of seven, pieces of seven (again).

I had to search for perch for it - I knew I'd seen it somewhere before!

[realityhack]

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?


A baboom.

[Colemanisor]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money,
between them they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness
and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it.

Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan--Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do this any
more. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub."

[Colemanisor]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here, And watch her face:

Beer Demo <http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf>

[Pondlife]

This is politically correct, right?

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, "I'd like to buy a horth"he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
shoves his head deep inside the horse's v*gina. He holds him there
for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"

[FiveTimes]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face...... "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face...... "Shoite,
Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his
head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm ******' f*cked," he says. He can see his house just a few
doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens
the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says.... "No ******' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says...... "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face and says......
"Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says,

"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?"




"Mick phoned, . . You left your wheelchair at the pub".

[macro]

Why men don’t talk to each other in public toilets ..

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two
cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the
door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hi ya mate, how are you
going?”

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn’t want to be rude,
so I replied “Not too bad thanks.”

After a short pause, I heard the voice again “So, what are you up to?”

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, “Just having a quick poo..

How about yourself?”

The next thing I heard him say was …..

“Sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some d*ckhead in the
loo next to me answering everything I say.”

[Ravello]

What's E.T short for?















Cuz he's only got little legs.