• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • FREE webinar: What does a post IR35 reform CV look like? : Wed, Jul 28, 2021 7:15 PM - 8:15 PM BST More details here.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    The Three Little Pigs

    This is a true story (yeah, of course it is, they all are!!!), proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
    is.

    They think so logically.


    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
    She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
    gather the building materials for his home.

    She read ...

    ".....and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
    straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
    build my house?"

    The teacher paused then asked the class:

    "And what do you think the man said?"

    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly..."I
    think the man would have said "Well, f*** me!! A talking pig!"

    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

    Comment


      Tom Cruise gets up one day. Looking in the mirror, he's admiring his body. "Mmm, looking good today Tom," he says. He then gives his pecs a little squeeze- "Mmmm, feeling good Tom." He suddenly notices a funny smell, takes a whiff of himself and almost chokes- "****, I smeel awful!"

      So he goes to talk to Katie. "Katie," he says, "there's something wrong with me!"
      "Well you look good," says Katie, walking toward him, "and you feel good," she says giving him a little squeeze, then suddenly "**** Tom, you smell ******* awful! Get to the doctor!"

      So Tom goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, there's something seriously wrong!"
      "Well, take a seat and I'll examine you," says the doctor. "Hmmm. Well, you look good Tom...... and you feel pretty good..... oh dear God you smell awful!" So the doctor goes over to his medical books to make a diagnosis.

      "Do you know what's wrong with me Doctor?"
      "Lets see Tom. So you look good, you feel good but you smell awful........ ah yes, here we are."

      "You're a c**t."

      Comment


        Originally posted by Colemanisor
        Tom Cruise gets up one day...
        Isn't there a generally accepted "rule" that jokes are supposed to be funny?

        Comment


          Originally posted by richard-af
          Isn't there a generally accepted "rule" that jokes are supposed to be funny?
          How naive.

          And to prove it -

          I think my office is haunted - I just saw the ghost of a chicken.


          I believe it was a poultrygeist.
          Best Forum Advisor 2014
          Work in the public sector? You can read my FAQ here
          Click here to get 15% off your first year's IPSE membership

          Comment


            Originally posted by TheFaqqer
            How naive.

            And to prove it -

            I think my office is haunted - I just saw the ghost of a chicken.


            I believe it was a poultrygeist.
            I feel ill!

            Comment


              NASA Space Shuttle astronauts have recently been found having consumed alcohol during and before missions.

              Here are some interesting facts about the Shuttle:

              Solid rocket boosters:
              o 454,000 kg (1 million pounds) of propellant.
              o Each provides 1,194,020 kg (1315 tons) of thrust (sea level).
              o Burn time - 2 minutes and 2 seconds.

              Main engines:
              o Utilize 547,524 kg (603 tons) of liquid oxygen and 91,708 kg (101 tons) of liquid hydrogen in external tank.
              o Each provides 154,360 kg (170 tons) of thrust (sea level).
              o Burn time - 8 minutes.

              Hottest Skin Temperature on re-entry: 1650 degrees C.

              Two of the six craft (33%) in the fleet have been lost to accidents.

              Would YOU willingly get on one of those things sober???
              "Wait, I still function!"

              Comment


                come on chaps!

                Comment


                  Originally posted by TazMaN View Post
                  I'm pished after a good lunch in the City and need some entertainment. Dancing girls would be great but as they're not around I'll have to settle for this.
                  You asked for it...here goes ;-)

                  Q1 - What's got 99 balls and screws old lady's?

                  A1 - Bingo!

                  Q2 - What's the diff between oral sex and a copper with a radar / speed trap gun?

                  A2 - You can see the tw@t behind the bush when having oral sex!!!

                  Bum bum.

                  Take it easy.

                  Comment


                    Two elephants and a snake go over a cliff.








                    Boom-boom tssss.


                    IGMC

                    Comment


                      A woman takes her beloved dog of 15 years to the vet as he seems
                      to be on his last legs. The vet checks the wheezing dog over and
                      tell the woman "I'm afraid there's nothing more I can do for him,
                      he's dying". The woman is distraught, thanks the vet, and asks how
                      much she owes him, "Fifty pounds" replies the vet. "Fifty pounds!
                      Oh well, while I'm here I'd like a second opinion" says the woman.
                      The vet agrees and shouts "Goldie! Goldie! come in here Goldie". A
                      Golden Labrador enters wearing a stethoscope. "Jump up here Goldie,
                      and check this dog over" commands the vet. The dog jumps onto the
                      examining table and sniffs the prone animal before turning to the
                      vet and the woman "woof! dogs dying" says Goldie. The woman still
                      refusing to accept the fact demands a third opinion. The vet agrees
                      and shouts "Mitzy! Mitzy! come in here Mitzy". A cat runs in, also
                      wearing a stethoscope. "Jump up here Mitzy, and check this dog over" says the vet. The cat jumps onto the examining table and sniffs the
                      dying dog from his nose to the tip of his tail, "Meeow! dogs dying"
                      confirms the cat eventually. The woman finally agrees they must all be right and says she will take her dog home to let him die in peace. As she is leaving the vet gives a cough and says "I'm afraid I must ask
                      you for the two hundred pounds before you leave". "Two hundred pounds?"
                      shouts the woman, "I thought you said fifty!". "Ah yes" said the vet,
                      "but that was before you had the lab report and the catscan".
                      The vegetarian option.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X