Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with
the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man,
"Where do you work?"

The man said, "Here and there."

The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man said, "This and that."

The judge then said, "Take him away."

The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?"

The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later..."

[BrilloPad]

Not a good lie!
Two students taking a chemistry class were doing well enough to think they
had solid "A" grades. Confident of their chemistry knowledge, they decided
to visit another college and party with some friends the weekend before
the final. When they returned too late to take the exam, they found their
professor and explained that they had missed the test because of a flat
tyre. The professor allowed them to make up the final the next day.

When they arrived, the professor handed each a test, then placed them in
separate rooms to begin. Opening the small booklets, the students found
just one question: Which tyre?

[BrilloPad]

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was
accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men
who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first
wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

[BrilloPad]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law,
it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think
for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England- but only in
tropical fish stores. But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises."(Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as
Guam !

[BrilloPad]

AD from London Times
An actual ad in the London Times.

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

[BrilloPad]

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having
meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed
them.

2. If you can stay calm while all around you are in
chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness
of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
scapegoat.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

9. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

[BrilloPad]

A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to an uninhabited island.

The first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm tree, creates a
cross, and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island.

The second man, a Muslim, pulls several fronds from the palm tree, creates
a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays to Allah to save him.

The third man falls asleep under the palm tree.

The other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm and
serene so they ask him how he could be so at ease.

He answers:-

"Two years ago, I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Synagogue.

Last year, I gave them $2,000,000.

This year, I pledged that I would give them $3,000,000.
Don't worry, they'll find me."

[BrilloPad]

BrilloPad 808
darmstadt 49
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 20
daviejones 20
TheFaQQer 18
richard-af 18
TazMaN 18
Swiss Tony 16
FiveTimes 14
Denny 13
wobbegong 13
zeitghost 12
Chantho 10

I seem to be monopolizing this thread...

[BrilloPad]

For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to
do with Laura Schlessinger, she is a radio personality who dispenses
advice to people who call in to her radio show.

Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura"
television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism, and now she
is Ba'al T'shuvah.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the
internet....ENJOY.

Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price
for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to
all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
(Lev.24:10-16)
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do
with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

[BrilloPad]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and
reincarnation.
They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to
contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world
exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear
me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's
beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the
time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before
sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love
until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until
about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11
p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a
rabbit in Arizona."