Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A young boy had just got his driving licence. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of
the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought
your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you
didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses
had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they
went!"

[BrilloPad]

Due to certain complaints this joke has the facility to insert your own hair
colour...

A <choose your hair colour> had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch
and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!"
the
trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on
by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the <choose your hair colour> chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he
surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the <choose your hair colour> began.
"I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in
front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I
swerved to
the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't a tree
on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back
and forth."

[BrilloPad]

SCHUBERT'S UNFINISHED SYMPHONY


A Company Chairman was given ticket for a performance of Schubert's
Unfinished Symphony. Being unable to go, he passed the invitation to
the Company's Work Study Consultant. The next morning, the Chairman
asked him how he had enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible
observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

a. For considerable periods, the oboe players had nothing to do. The
number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole
orchestra, thus eliminating peaks of inactivity.

b. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be
drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this
should be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

c. Much effort was absorbed in the playing of demisemiquavers. This
seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes
should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it
should be possible to use trainees and low grade operators.

d. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours
to twenty minutes.

In the light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert
given attention to these maters, he would probably have had time to
finish his Symphony.

A Work Study of similar symphonies according to these suggestions
would permit various concerts each evening. Each second concert hall
in the town would thus be free for other purposes. The resulting
energy saving would be an important secondary effect.

[BrilloPad]

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.

His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4
worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

[BrilloPad]

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what
they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the
old goat for dinner today as any other day.'

[BrilloPad]

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in
a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come
work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army," the
general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the
ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle
shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's
wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for
you."

[BrilloPad]

Three beggars are begging in New York City.

The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten
bucks after one day.

The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received
hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.

The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent
vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered
him free Hardware and professional consulting while Larry Ellison claimed on
CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced
begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the
beggar.

Cisco just announced that virtually all ebeg traffic runs over their
equipment.

[BrilloPad]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I wants you to Make
me a new Ark"
Noah replies, "Nay probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all,
you're the boss!"
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a
couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, ok Big man, what ever you say, should I fill
it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right ....... this time I want you
to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall,
floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my mate, let me get this right, you want a New
Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on tope of the other?"
"Check"
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of
his tether.
"Dunno" says God

"I just always fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

[BrilloPad]

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the
end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of
people with no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:
"FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the
puddin'.race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch,
tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace As lang 's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused(easily done)goes to the next
patient and greets him. The chap replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want
it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be
thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's
in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi
bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi
murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort
of ward this is. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

[BrilloPad]

>A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
> Her 9
>year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the
>closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts
>her
>lover in the closet with the little boy.
> The little boy says, "Dark in here"
> The man says, "Yes, it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball"
> Man: "That's nice"
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
> Man: "No, thanks."
> Boy: "My dad's outside"
> Man: "OK, how much?"
> Boy: "$25."
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
>are in
>the closet together.
> Boy: "Dark in here"
> Man: "Yes, it is"
> Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
> Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
> Boy: "$75"
> Man: "Fine"
>
> A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your
>glove. Let's
>go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
> The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
> Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
> Boy: "$100"
> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
>that,
>that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
>church
>and make you confess."
> They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
>confession
>booth and he closes the door.
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
> The Priest says, "Don't start that tulip again!"