Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "Iwant the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominatedtheir women on earth and the other line for the men that weredominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are goneand there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated bytheir women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominatedtheir women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the onlyone in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[BrilloPad]

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in andsays,"I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says,"What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says,"Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bitdifferent. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says,"A hermaphrodite...what's that???"

The doctor says,"Well, it means your baby has the...uh... features...of a male and afemale."

The woman turns pale. She says,"Oh my Heavens! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

[BrilloPad]

Here are some famous sayings from late comic genius Tommy Cooper:
Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..'.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted:
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'. The doctor replied: 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds Like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'. 'It's not unusual'.

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside'. 'How's that ?'. 'Don't you start!'.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round'. The other One says: 'So are you, you fat *******!'.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' That was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'.

[BrilloPad]

Irritations in Life !!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room
for the TV remote because
they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say
oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too
.
******* right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say
it's always in the last place you look
.
Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found
it? Do people do this?
Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film
did you see that?

No tosser, I paid #5 to come to the cinema and stare at the *******
floor.

6. People who ask
can I ask you a question?
Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you
sunshine?

7. When something is
new and improved
!
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before
it.
If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.

8. When people say
life is short.
What the ****?? Life is the
longest
damn thing anyone
ever ******* does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks

has the bus come yet?

If the bus came would I be standing here, tosser?!

[BrilloPad]

Subject: FW: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

Chaps...please advise
lb

To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting
for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As
always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world
power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum! However,
we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other
hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for
the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no
real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our
tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that
switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the
majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
"aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage
the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of
other
elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the
original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the
process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and
a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the
Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering
that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by
a
crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
97.85
= 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock,
Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels," "Trainspotting," and "The Full Monty."
We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot." But one good
movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're
doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem
has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule
Brittania
ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive
showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament
without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best
food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the
culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when
you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach
you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious
error

is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is
pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England
than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and
Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies."
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
soap operas.

p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

[BrilloPad]

[Note: Gay Byrne hosts the Irish WWTBAM)
Mick is appearing on the Irish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one life left -
phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if
you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and
drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"

Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"

Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is
its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Thrush!!!! Remember Mick its worth 1
Million."

Mick: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't
got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"

Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"

Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in Ballygoon." (ringing)

Paddy: "Hello..."

Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire
- I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your
help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll
explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and
you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."

Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Trush!!!!

Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo.

Mick: "You think?"

Paddy: "I'm sure."

Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up)

Gay: "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for first ever Million
Mick?"

Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo

Gay: "Is that your final answer?"

Mick: "It is."

Gay: "Are you confident?"

Mick: "Yes fairly Paddy's a sound bet."

Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won I
MILLION POUNDS. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a
real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick."
(clapping)

That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to
fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick Turns to
Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!! How in Gods name did you know that it
was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know fluk all
about birds?????"

Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that feckin Cuckoo lives in a
clock"!!!!!

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG

1. You say 'mate' constantly

2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.

3. Anyone not from London is a 'w*****r'

4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a
'Northern W****r'
5. You have no idea where the North is.

6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get
excited about it.

7. The countryside makes you nervous

8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they
are a stalker.

9. American tourists no longer annoy you.

10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other
day"

11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in
the city.

12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

[BrilloPad]

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One man is
holding a large cross and the other man is holding a large Star of David.
Both are holding big hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift
their noses at the man with the Star of David and, almost for spite, drop
large amounts of money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the
hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the
star
of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with
the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realise that this is a
Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country
holding a Star of David", and he walks off.

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says:
"Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our
business?"

[BrilloPad]

A man is in an antique shop. He notices a table with gate legs and drawers that is very expensive and asks the assistant why. She explains the table has magic powers.

'What sort of magic powers?' the man inquires.

'Well, sir,' the assistant replies 'if you ask the table a question, it will answer you.'

'OK,' the man says, getting into this idea. 'Where does my wife keep getting all her extra money from?'

The table then rises up from the ground, the gate legs open wide and the drawers fall down.

[BrilloPad]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG

1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer
it'.
"Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.

2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.

3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.

4. You support Man City out of principle.

5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of
it.

6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern w*****s'... until they kick
your head in at a footie match.

7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'

8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the
shopping in yet another torrential downpour.

9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.

10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is..

11. Zzzzzzz.